Free ♥

[Turn off the music below before you watch the video.]

I promised to share more about my week at MFuge....

Each night we participated in worship with an awesome band, Finding Favour and an amazing speaker, Cliff Jordan. I love, love, LOVE praise and worship. But on Monday and Tuesday that is all it was - a time when I sorta listened and hoped they would sing some of my favorites. I was there, physically, but not there spiritually. But, Wednesday night, something happened. God spoke to me in a very, very powerful way. He talked directly to me - to my heart - and He told me that it was time for me to stop wandering....time for me to stop regretting....time for me to let go and let Him. You talk about a moment in which time stood still and I was the only one in the room ~ that was it. Right then and there, without arguing or denying that God was speaking directly to me, I said OK. And when I mean I said OK, for the first time, I meant it. From that moment it was as if this incredible burden was lifted off my shoulders. I was free for the first time.

Free from doubts about me. Self confidence has never been my strong suit. I have always felt insecure about my abilities and my appearance. He erased those doubts. Free.

Free from my past. Craig and I never intended to have a baby, get married, then graduate from college but we made bad choices. [Don't get me wrong...I have NEVER considered Molly a bad choice or a mistake. She is beautiful, wonderful, and the light of my life. I love her and the other Shorties dearly ♥] I never intended to take 6 years to get a four year degree. I graduated in the top 20 in my class in high school....then spent too many nights not studying in college, when it really counted. But God said let it go...and I did. Free.

Free from regrets. So many regrets about things I've done. [I do have some privacy so I'll keep those between me and the Him.] Regrets about stupid things that have kept me from feeling good about who I am and who I can be. But He said give it all to me. Free.

Free from worry. I worry so much - I worry about worrying. Anxiety has plagued me [and I use the "plagued" because it's been like a sickness] for years. Try having 4 kids and having the anxiety that I have ~ can you say CrAzY? I cannot even begin to describe how being anxious can absolutely, 100% dominate your existence and make you feel as if you cannot function - I have been there. I have been paralyzed by this fear. But, as I stood with "arms high and heart abandoned" He said I will take this from you. Free.

As I was stood there that night, paralyzed by this overwhelming sense of joy, the only thing I could think about was sharing all of this with Craig. I wanted him to know, to share, to be there with me. I cannot say enough about his witness and his desire for me to grow closer to God. He has tried - he bought me a calendar and labeled 365 days with scripture so that I could read my Bible in a year....I never used it. He has confronted the Jehovah's Witness' when they've come to the door while I hid in the kitchen. He has volunteered to pray outloud while I was too embarassed. But, on that night, as I stood there, I could feel this tug on my heart to be a better wife to my husband. I am not perfect [sorry for those of you that thought otherwise] but I can do so many more things than I've done in the past. I cried when I shared this with him. He cried. But the amazing thing was the freedom of it all.

I have no doubt about being saved. It was at Carolina Cross Connection when I was 13. But, for many years, I have only been pretending. Not more pretending, no more games, no more ignorance. I have a huge responsibility to raise my children in a Christian household but if I am pretending then my efforts will be in vain. On that Wednesday night, at North Greenville University, in the middle of almost 1000 people God called and I listened.

I would appreciate your prayers and encouragement. I have poured out my heart here. I have changed. I am free.

Through You the blind will see
Through You the mute will sing
Through You the dead will rise
Through You all hearts will praise
Through You the darkness flees
Through You my heart screams, I am free!
I am free to run!
I am free to dance!
I am free to live for you!
I am free!

As always, life as a Short, is awesome :)