Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Hiding that Crazy

Have you ever had one of those moments that you just look in the mirror and think, "Wow.  I am not sophisticated at all.  Not in the least.  Like there is a major red neck staring right back at me." 

No? Must just be me.

I've struggled lately [a lot] with feeling like I give off the "ignorant-and-should-be-on-people-of-Wal-Mart-site" vibe. [That is a real condition.]

I am very sarcastic [you are welcome] but the older I get I feel like more and more that my sarcasm isn't appreciated.  I have a weird sense of humor [seriously, I would watch Dumb and Dumber or Anchorman any day over Gone with the Wind] and maybe its time to be more a little more reserved.  My kids are at the age where there is always someone at my house.  I wouldn't want to send the wrong impression.  [Of course, it may be too late for that one seeing as how Molly is almost 20 and Cooper is nearing 17.  Oh well.  It may not be too late for the little ones.  *fingers and toes crossed*]

This has become such a struggle for me that sometimes I just want to avoid social situations altogether [which might make some of you happy, happy, happy]. Or I'd rather just write what I'm thinking.  I am so much better at writing than talking. [Now some of you are scratching that noggin' and saying, "Hmmmm....she must be a charmer when she talks because her writing is less than pleasant."]  

It isn't so much that proverbial "what comes up comes out" kind of thing but more not knowing how to not be awkward.  Sometimes I truly believe I'm just meant to play the the wallflower...the wind beneath the wings kind of stuff. I just know that I cringe at my own voice so I can only imagine what someone else might be thinking about me.  [You know how we are here in the South..."Bless her heart.  You know she is a good cook.  She's got something going for her."] 

I am just not really sure if I just know...CRAZY.  I have had moments where I've kicked myself [literally] after saying something or joining a conversation [or adding my unnecessary two cents]

My thoughts have gone like this:

  • "Did I just remove any doubt that I am an idiot?"
  • "Yes. I am a country bumpkin."
  • "What?  You don't understand what I just said?  Me either."

I always want to make a good first impression. 

Now I'm just hoping to scrape off that other first impression and try again with some people.  [Is it too late to go into the witness protection program and become someone with some couth and a tiny bit of "I've-Got-My-Act-Together"?]

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Saturday, May 2, 2015

Sweet Victory

There isn't much better than knowing you've set a goal and achieved it. [Well, maybe cheesecake.]  

Back in November I went to the doctor and I weighed significantly more than I did after a visit in October.  

Actually, I weighed the most I've EVER weighed.  In my whole life. Like even more than I did during all 4 pregnancies.

I remember just being discouraged [probably as I shoved a swiss cake roll into my mouth and chased it with a Reese's cup] and just feeling like I wanted to give up. 

Just. Give. Up.

Immediately, my first thought was to blame it all on other things [and not the fact that I could almost eat Craig under the table...on a bad day.]
We are too busy.
I have 4 kids. I don't have time to exercise.
I don't have many pleasures in this life so please don't ask me to put down the cookie.
I can be fat and happy.

What I didn't want to face was the fact that I was doing terrible things to my body.  I was using food and self pity to fight some bigger issues.  

I didn't like me very much.  

Its really hard to be mom and wife and daughter and sister and coworker and friend when you don't like yourself very much.  

I didn't share any of this with anyone but Craig.  When you are feeling lonely and less than worthy then it seems like a chore to just be social.  Days and days went by with me fighting to get out of bed and get dressed [looking just a step above homeless] and go to work.

Finally, I listened. 

And not just to the doctor.

You are altogether beautiful; there is no flaw in you.

Song of Solomon 4:7

He can do immeasureably more than we could ever hope or imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.

Exodus 14:14

Slowly [and let me emphasize S-L-O-W-L-Y]  I began to move [away from the refrigerator].  I started to really pay attention to what I was eating. I made a decision to eat things that were good for me. 

And pound by pound [and some days minute by minute] I found myself. 

Tonight, I completed my first 5K in three years.  I ran it in 48 minutes. 
[Honestly I could have run it maybe in 40 minutes but when you are a mom you leave no kid behind.  Emma and I were in this together.  Without her constant support I maybe wouldn't even be here.  I owed it to her. I love her.]

For me, tonight was so much more than a 5k.

Sweet victory. 


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