Hiding that Crazy

Have you ever had one of those moments that you just look in the mirror and think, "Wow.  I am not sophisticated at all.  Not in the least.  Like there is a major red neck staring right back at me." 

No? Must just be me.

I've struggled lately [a lot] with feeling like I give off the "ignorant-and-should-be-on-people-of-Wal-Mart-site" vibe. [That is a real condition.]

I am very sarcastic [you are welcome] but the older I get I feel like more and more that my sarcasm isn't appreciated.  I have a weird sense of humor [seriously, I would watch Dumb and Dumber or Anchorman any day over Gone with the Wind] and maybe its time to be more a little more reserved.  My kids are at the age where there is always someone at my house.  I wouldn't want to send the wrong impression.  [Of course, it may be too late for that one seeing as how Molly is almost 20 and Cooper is nearing 17.  Oh well.  It may not be too late for the little ones.  *fingers and toes crossed*]

This has become such a struggle for me that sometimes I just want to avoid social situations altogether [which might make some of you happy, happy, happy]. Or I'd rather just write what I'm thinking.  I am so much better at writing than talking. [Now some of you are scratching that noggin' and saying, "Hmmmm....she must be a charmer when she talks because her writing is less than pleasant."]  

It isn't so much that proverbial "what comes up comes out" kind of thing but more not knowing how to not be awkward.  Sometimes I truly believe I'm just meant to play the background...be the wallflower...the wind beneath the wings kind of stuff. I just know that I cringe at my own voice so I can only imagine what someone else might be thinking about me.  [You know how we are here in the South..."Bless her heart.  You know she is a good cook.  She's got something going for her."] 

I am just not really sure if I just sound...you know...CRAZY.  I have had moments where I've kicked myself [literally] after saying something or joining a conversation [or adding my unnecessary two cents]. 

My thoughts have gone like this:

• "Did I just remove any doubt that I am an idiot?"
• "Yes. I am a country bumpkin."
• "What?  You don't understand what I just said?  Me either."

I always want to make a good first impression. 

Now I'm just hoping to scrape off that other first impression and try again with some people.  [Is it too late to go into the witness protection program and become someone with some couth and a tiny bit of "I've-Got-My-Act-Together"?]

Sweet Victory

There isn't much better than knowing you've set a goal and achieved it. [Well, maybe cheesecake.]  

Back in November I went to the doctor and I weighed significantly more than I did after a visit in October.  

Actually, I weighed the most I've EVER weighed.  In my whole life. Like even more than I did during all 4 pregnancies.

I remember just being discouraged [probably as I shoved a swiss cake roll into my mouth and chased it with a Reese's cup] and just feeling like I wanted to give up. 

Just. Give. Up.

Immediately, my first thought was to blame it all on other things [and not the fact that I could almost eat Craig under the table...on a bad day.]

We are too busy.

I have 4 kids. I don't have time to exercise.

I don't have many pleasures in this life so please don't ask me to put down the cookie.

I can be fat and happy.

What I didn't want to face was the fact that I was doing terrible things to my body.  I was using food and self pity to fight some bigger issues.  

I didn't like me very much.  

Its really hard to be mom and wife and daughter and sister and coworker and friend when you don't like yourself very much.  

I didn't share any of this with anyone but Craig.  When you are feeling lonely and less than worthy then it seems like a chore to just be social.  Days and days went by with me fighting to get out of bed and get dressed [looking just a step above homeless] and go to work.

Finally, I listened. 

And not just to the doctor.

You are altogether beautiful; there is no flaw in you.

Song of Solomon 4:7

He can do immeasureably more than we could ever hope or imagine.

Ephesians 3:20

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.

Exodus 14:14

Slowly [and let me emphasize S-L-O-W-L-Y]  I began to move [away from the refrigerator].  I started to really pay attention to what I was eating. I made a decision to eat things that were good for me. 

And pound by pound [and some days minute by minute] I found myself. 

Tonight, I completed my first 5K in three years.  I ran it in 48 minutes. 
[Honestly I could have run it maybe in 40 minutes but when you are a mom you leave no kid behind.  Emma and I were in this together.  Without her constant support I maybe wouldn't even be here.  I owed it to her. I love her.]

For me, tonight was so much more than a 5k.

Sweet victory. 

#MakeMovesorMakeExcuses

Taking Back Beauty

Hello world.

Its been a while.

I am down 34 pounds.  THIRTY FOUR POUNDS ARE GONE.

[When I reach my goal then I want to share how much I weighed.  I'm not quite ready for that.]

I've been thinking a lot about how much better I feel.  My clothes are falling off of me.  I can wear jeans I haven't worn in two years.  I can bend over without feeling like I'll pass out.

I can cross my legs.  [Do you know how embarassing, as a woman, it is to NOT be able to cross your legs?]

I have many more pounds to lose.
But this has given me some serious confidence to take on the world. [At least the small, crazy world I am blessed to live in.]

I started this post about a week ago but haven't made the time to finish it. [I've been doing other things like turning 42, getting sick, and taking on the world.] Just a few days ago, after I began to really think about what I wanted to say in this post, a teacher friend posted this on Facebook:

I really feel led to start a group here on Facebook for women who have struggled with negative body image and/or negative feelings dealing with food. If you or someone you know would be interested in being a part of my closed fb group, please message me so I can see if there is enough interest. It would be a place for encouragement and support, NOT a substitute for professional help or judgement of any kind. 

Really?  Could God be any more amazing because this would have to be a God thing for my thoughts to be right in tune with what my friend is being led to do.


The Bible says this about women and beauty:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30

Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 
I Peter 3:3-4

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.
Song of Solomon 4:7

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14

Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness - with good works.
I Timothy 2:9-10

The world says this about women:

• It is necessary for you to be skinny to be considered beautiful. [I HATE to hear a boy or a man describe a girl as thick or heavy.  What. Is. That? I HATE it even more when a girl describes another girl with these terms.] 
• The more skin you show, the prettier you will be. [Found this one on Pinterest: Dressing immodestly is liking rolling around in manure. Yes. You'll get attention but mostly from pigs. #BOOM] 
• Get attention any way you can - endless selfies, posing like you're on the cover of Cosmo, and make sure you are tanned, waxed, bronzed, and buffed. [Are you a girl or on the menu at the Waffle House? Scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked.]
• If someone compliments you then make sure you come back with some ridiculous statement on Instagram like, "Who me?  No. You are the one who is perf."  or "You must be looking in the mirror gorgeous!" or "I literally cannot compete with you. #goals"  [Seriously. Is this necessary? No. It is ATTENTION SEEKING.]

There isn't a whole lot that parallels with what the good book says and what the world says when it comes to beauty.

Beauty isn't about what someone else thinks about the woman staring back at us from the mirror. 
Beauty isn't the number of likes and comments on Instagram.
Beauty isn't defined by the number on the scale.
Beauty isn't a shorter hemline or a more revealing dress.

Trip Lee sings a song, Sweet Victory, and these lyrics are on repeat in my head:

The crown of thorns declares you're King

A scarlet robe can't cloak your majesty

Yeah they nailed your hands, you nailed our death

From the cross you reigned

Your kingdom knows no end.

God didn't send a savior to conquer death only to have us waste time worrying about who is more gorgeous and how can we get that too.

As women in God's kingdom we should be about taking back beauty from the world!

Beauty is....
a woman who is fiercely determined to follow God's calling for her life.

Beauty is....
women who deny themselves to provide for those around them.

Beauty is...
a woman who prays for her husband. And her children. And her children's future [or current] spouses and families.

Beauty is...
women who lift up each other with encouragement, prayer, and service.

Beauty is all around us. In every soul we meet. There are no chance meetings or encounters - only a life that is orchestrated by God.  

I don't want to miss a chance to be beautiful.

Addition by Subtraction

I am a loser. 

[Some of you are saying, "Yeah.  We already knew that."]

Back in December I knew something wasn't quite right.  For about a week I had this weird, sugary taste in my mouth, I couldn't stop going to the bathroom [I know...TMI], and I was soooo thirsty.  I asked the school nurse to check my blood sugar.  It was 191 as a fasting blood sugar.  [I know that isn't super high but it is if don't have blood sugar issues at all.]  I had gestational diabetes with three of my litter so that plus my weight and lifestyle does put me at risk for developing type 2 diabetes.

Time for changes.  

I'm not sure why it took the blood sugar spike to make me do this but thankfully it wasn't something worse. [I'm a little A LOT hardheaded.]

Craig and I decided that we were going to make some serious changes. 

We were both heavy drinkers....of soft drinks. [Gotcha.]
We were both lazy.
We both like to eat burgers and fries and chips and cake.

Craig works at the Y doing field maintenance [yes, we have like 16 jobs between the two of us] so we have a free Y membership. We actually became members LAST [as in 2013] November but used it like once [excuses were our biggest obstacle]. 

We began New Year's day [cliché I know] by coming up with a plan.  [Just a side note:  If you know Craig then you know he is all about planning and organization.  He is a type A personality. Me?  I'm like a type Z.  Like I plan nothing.  Craig plans to make a plan. Missy hopes to leave the house with her pants on.  It works for us.]  

We've stuck to the plan and it is working.

We make a detailed grocery list every week.  We plan every single meal, down to breakfast options. We've been eating salad with EVERY meal.  [Our children like salad.  Thank goodness.] We've been eating only chicken and fish [I don't eat fish.  I gave it a try but no.] with the occasional ground turkey addition. We've tried to cut out unnecessary carbs [and I'm finding out that lots of things have carbs and I didn't know it] and really eat healthy.  We are drinking water, water, WATER.  At least 5 nights a week we go to the Y.  

So why didn't we do this a year ago?  We are stupid.

So far, since my visit to the doctor right before Christmas, I've lost 15 pounds. [*insert HUGE yee haw*].  And honestly, for the first time, in about two years I feel really good about myself.  

I feel empowered.
I feel a sense of accomplishment.
I feel like I can lose weight.

Craig and I both have so much to live for and we have to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, as parents, we get complacent not because we are lazy and don't want to but because our lives get so crazy.  Sports seasons are tough because our schedules are all crazy.  Just trying to have four kids and work full time [and 28 other jobs] is tough.  

But we don't have a choice.  God only gave us one body and he expects us to take care of it.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

I Corinthians 6: 19-20

When I look at it like this, from a Biblical standpoint, I'm actually going against God when I don't take care of myself and my body.  

We were saved from eternal death when Jesus paid the ultimate price and I was shoveling french fries down my throat and chasing it with fountain Coke? I wasn't glorifying God with my body but turning my back on Him.  

Thankfully, we began to listen to God instead of focusing on us.  We aren't doing any of this without His help.  Personally, I just handed over the self-image worries and just said, "Help me Lord."

And, as always, He has been right beside me.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

When I look at my daughters I see beauty. I see two girls with confidence and wisdom.

I see one growing into a strong woman with an amazing faith in God and people.

I see one growing into a teenager with a childlike innocence and a tremendous compassion for those around her.

When I look at them I see love. And grace...boundless, endless grace. 

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Oliver Platt

"Beauty is how you feel inside. And it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical." Sophia Loren

"To all the girls that think you are fat because you are not a size zero..you're the beautiful one.  It's society who's ugly." Marilyn Monroe

How do I get there?  When I look in that mirror I see 

Ugly.

Fat.

Hideous.

Repulsive. 

I can read these things and say these things but I cannot believe these things.

#TheStruggleIsReal

[I am not fishing for compliments or for anyone to feel sorry for me.  Just being real and sharing my heart right now, at 1:49am.]

I had a situation at school, earlier this year, with some boys making fun of something physical about me. I am not sure what they said about me but I know it wasn't very nice.  Now I feel like I'm on display and an open target when I am in front of them.

For goodness sakes...I am the adult. The teacher. The one in charge.  Why am I allowing them to dictate how I feel? [And that, my friends, is the $64,000 question.] Because maybe they are right. I don't know sometimes.

Being an overweight, short, not fashionably dressed woman is difficult in today's world.  EVERY SINGLE THING I see on social media, in magazines, and apparently in the 8th grade, says that women are not beautiful if they aren't ultra skinny, long-haired, and wearing MK everything. 

I am exercising.  

I am walking.

I lost 3.5 pounds last week.  

I will get there.

So along the way, as you pray, throw my name in there...I sure could us it. 

Because I Am...

I am currently spending night number three in the hospital with an ailing husband.  What started out Monday morning as a "routine" laparoscopic appendectomy [I feel so smart using those big words] has turned into, well, a cluster of sorts.  

[I am sharing details that you will either find fascinating or just plain gross. You've been warned.]

First, the surgeon, upon ballooning up poor Mr. Short's abdomen to perform the procedure figured out his appendix was very stubborn.  The calcification [again, who but a Short, gets a useless stone in a useless organ] basically cemented the appendix to the intestines....in the WRONG direction!!  He even tried an extra port to see if he could get the appendix out.  Nadda. Zip. Wasn't happening.

Next, he had to make an incision to get to the appendix.  So, in addition to 4 "bullet holes" Short also has a nice zipper.  The appendix, in the words of the surgeon, "did not look right", so he called in pathology. Holy guacamole!  We went from "You'll be home by tonight" to "There was a question of a malignancy in his intestines."  

Last, [but certainly not least as the Short summer has gone] the man had a hernia that repaired itself with the incision to the abdomen. [I told Craig he got a free surgery.  He has yet to see the humor.]

Two days out [slowly moving into day number three] after the surgery day we are still here at the hospital. 

To say Craig is disgusted is an understatement.  
He is so ready to be home. 
We are ready for him to be home.

It has been quite the summer at the Short house.

Yet, through each mountaintop experience and the valleys, God has shown us that he is holding us up and sustaining us with his grace and mercy.  

Today, talking with one of the many folks that have called to check on us, a friend said, "We find the joy in every situation." 

I could seriously shout that from the roof right now! [Of course, if I do, they will find me and then I'll be breaking news on many channels and the Shelby Star's crappy website.]

Craig is going to be OK.  There was not a malignancy.  Yes, he will be in pain for a while and recovery will be a bit longer BUT he will recover. 

How many folks are still facing days, weeks, months in the hospital?   
How many people are facing things they will NEVER recover from like illness or addiction or abuse?

Finding the joy in our situation is SUPER easy.  This is just a bump in the road [even for Craig...as bad as he feels right now, I know he would agree] and all will end well. 

Countless numbers of friends and family have called, visited, texted, and emailed to check on all six of us.  I have been overwhelmed with all the well wishes, offers to help us with the kids, meals, and prayers.  Our church family has also been such a blessing, watching over our children, getting meals together, and just being faithful prayer warriors.

Finding the joy, even in the midst of trials.

I will say that our experience here at the hospital, though not how we intended to spend this last week in July, has been OK.  Everyone has been excellent [I heard that was the buzz word around these parts] and very kind to my sweet husband. 

Finding the joy that others bring to us when we can't find it ourselves.

[This next part of this post is just me simply pouring out my heart about a situation that really bothered me, but needed to bother me.  It is something that I have been working on for the better part of this week, between all the commotion.  I am in no way, shape, or form looking for sympathy.  The truth hurts. I am choosing to find the joy and change my circumstances.]

The title of this post is "Because I Am...".  Allow me to finish the sentence:

Because I am overweight...

• ....my feet hurt.  Doesn't matter the shoes...they hurt.
• ....I can't wear decent clothes.  I am constantly trying to hide it all.
• ....I don't want to be in ANY pictures.  I hate pictures. Despise them. Avoid them like the plague.
• ....I get uncomfortable in social situations.  I am embarassed at how I look and my mind lets me focus on that so much when I am around others.
• ....Mirrors are not my friend.  I barely look in one to get ready.

Because I am overweight, I could not get on a ride while at Dollywood.  I was actually on the ride but the operator couldn't get the shoulder harness pushed down all the way so I had to exit the ride. In front of everyone on the ride.
That was my moment.  That was the moment that defined it all for me.  

Wake. Up. Call.

I am the only one...THE ONLY ONE...who can fix this for me.  There isn't a magic pill or shake or whatever that is going to make me healthy.  Getting healthy and staying healthy is up to me.  

I do make an effort but that isn't enough.  It is called change. 

I've wrestled with this for a couple of weeks and I go from discouraged to hopeful and back and forth.

Society says women are only "beautiful" when they are thin.  Thin as in skinny all the way to thin as in fit..but either way you look at it, that is what others see.  

I will use a perfect example that has been in the news recently.  A Boston radio show announcer made the comment [that ultimately resulted in the station he worked for being dropped by Fox Sports] that if Erin Andrews were 15 pounds heavier she wouldn't be reporting for Fox Sports but waitressing at a Perkin's. I guess that means I should really be doubling as an iceberg in the Antarctic. Seriously.  

I have listened to it at my job for years [from students and employees] when people are talking about others.  I heard a student this year say that he didn't like _____ [yes, he called her by name] because she was one of those fat girls. [I promptly told him that heavy, skinny as a rail, or in the middle that it really didn't matter because none of them were stupid enough to like him anyway so all was good.  Idiot.] I've overheard one teacher tell another male teacher that he liked driving field trips for a particular female teacher because she was, and a I quote, "hot" and "good to look at".  If he said it loud enough for me to hear, I know the kids heard it too. Idiot. Yes, it does happen in the opposite way too.  

I've listened to people describe others as "heavy set" or "that bigger girl or guy".  Why can't she be described as the girl with the amazing singing voice or the guy with the awesome sense of humor?  

Women don't help themselves at all. Social media has created the idea that the smaller my bathing suit, the more my boobs hang out, and the darker my tan that I will get "liked".  [This is a whole other rant for another night.] Any boy [or man for that matter] that is giving you his seal of approval on your pictures is NOT doing so because they like who you are...the only like what they see. [And by the looks of many of them, they get to see ALOT.]  This type of "let it all hang out then post it on Twitter and Instagram" mentality leads to this idea that we, as women, are just something to look at [or in my case, turn away from]. 

Being overweight is a struggle and one that I never saw coming on until I was here.  I do intend to be healthy.  I know that this is not an easy fix and one that is going to take a lot of will power, dedication, and change on my part.  I know that I have to...
...drink water.
...exercise.
...put down the diet Sundrop [&^%$#&&#].
...eat healthier.
I actually started changing last week, by adding some new things to the menu rotation. [This was more to try it out on the Shorties that were at home to make sure we all eat healthy.]  I liked the new meals. [They liked the meals.] I felt good after those few changes.  This week I wanted to try that 9Round place....but Craig's appendix had a mind of its own [and apparently its own zipcode] and I've been stuck here all week. 

HOWEVER, I will not give up.  I am going to use a running plan that worked for me last time to get moving again. I know I can do Zumba just right up the road.

Because I am a Jesus girl I know that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  

Because I know longer want to hate the mirror, my closet, or myself in pictures I will get healthy.

As always, even when the struggles are hanging on, life as a Short is awesome. 

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

I have been absent for a while because, quite frankly, my attitude sucked. [Might as well not beat around the bush.]  For the better part of a year I've been battling this inner turmoil...

You are too fat to be successful at running....give it up.

You are ugly.

Why would anyone want your help?

You are a terrible mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend teacher coworker....

So what did I do?  I listened to those things, so much so that I began to believe it all.  Then, this past Saturday, it was like someone literally hit me upside the head [who knows...might have been Gabe...or Craig...] and His voice said, "Good gravy girl!  Snap out of it.  I love you ~ what else matters?  Do it all in My name.  Do it for Me."

So what else is a girl to do when God is talking to her as she travels down 74 to the Pancake House in Shelby? I tell you what she does ~ she listens.  She says, "OK Lord.  I need your help because I am tired of who I've become.  I don't want to be this girl anymore.  I know that you love me....now help me love me."

Life ain't easy. [Thanks Captain Obvious]  Since hitting 40 I've felt so insignificant, old, and basically, washed up.  But what has been more apparent than anything else is that I am in control of nothing if I don't give it all up to God.  I have proven:

I cannot do this by myself.

Along with that nice little toe-stepper Saturday, then the sermon on Sunday was written just for me.  I wrote down one point and underlined it:

Your character affects your influence.

I need to reflect Godly character at home, at my job, with friends, everywhere. That cannot be done without being in tune with Christ.

That  cannot be done alone.

I need to give it all to Him.

I heard the hymn, It is Well, as I was getting out of the car for Sunday school yesterday morning.

  


Goodbye to looking for something that can't be found ~ Utopia...Emerald City ....Easy Street.  

It is well with my soul.

Needing a Good Swift Kick in the Pants

I have no time to blog anymore. [Stop clapping.] I seriously am having great difficulty finding time to fit in using the restroom and brushing my teeth [both are necessary]. Yes. I am that busy these days.  I feel like the last month has been a whirlwind of really bad hair days, super bad makeup [done in the car], too many late nights [and pots and pots of coffee], and extreme fatigue as soon as the clock strikes 6am.  I. AM. TOO. BUSY.  Forget running or exercise unless that can be done between the hours of 2am and 3am [which might be good but I am not seeing that happening in my world].  Couple the fact that I can't lose weight with the fact that my bad hair days are all running together and you've got yourself the makings of a very scary Lifetime movie my friends.  Advice anyone? [organization skills, weight loss, better hair....I am open for anything at the moment.  Really.]

I just feel so defeated.  Seriously. I cannot pick myself up out of this seemingly bottomless pit.  I can't seem to get it all together and I am not really sure when and where it fell apart.  In my warped world it's like someone just hit me over the head and, when I woke up, nothing was where it should be [such as that annoying bit of hair that won't stay up no matter how many bobby pins and 80's caliber Aquanet-like hairspray I use].  Those of you that know me [first of all, let me apologize] know that I ain't never been real detail oriented.  For goodness sake, most of the time I'm counting children in the car to make sure I have the alloted number that have been assigned to my watch.  I can see the big picture but have never really taken the time to decide how to get there [mixaphorically speaking].  Apparently, I've been really oblivious lately or I'm stuck in slow motion - or alot a bit of both. 

Something has to give soon before it gets ugly [and I've passed a few mirrors here lately and the only way to go is up].  I need a good swift kick in the pants and I need it now.  Please.  I never realized getting old could make someone feel so bad about themselves...I will be 40 on March 24.  I am struggling and finding great difficulty finding my footing at the moment. Prayers are appreciated. 

On a completely different note [and one way more important than me] I am asking for prayers for Scotty Hill.  He is still battling, like a trooper, the nasty "C" word.  So...I have a request. I don't have many followers [the world is thankful for that one] but I am asking everyone to send Scotty a card as a note of encouragement.  He needs to know that we are all praying for him.  Send me a private message, at pigskinchick@gmail.com, and I will send you an address.  There is actually another young man at our school who is also battling cancer and I will include his address too. 

The Shorties are all well....softball season has started for Molly and my favorite coach, Gabe has NOT been expelled from school [yet], Emma has grown about a foot, and Cooper is still cracking us up on a daily basis. Speaking of Coop, I find out through a good friend that my son sends a nightly text message, to 26 of his closest friends, with a Bible verse of the night.  Now if that don't make a momma proud then what does?  Thankful to my God that my children are walking with Him and that they are being bold in their witness.  I want to be just like them:)

As always, life as a Short is good.