Sunday, May 30, 2010

Apartment Swimming...Oh my!

Emma and Gabriel wanted to go swimming at the apartment swimming pool today. [I cringe at the thought of public swimming pools - is chlorine really that good?] Craig had to get Gabe some swimmie things to wear on his arms so he stops at Dollar General [only the best for the Short kids] and picks up the first box he sees. [Which just happened to be big enough to fit on my arm...way to go Dad!] We decided to try to "fix" them [No, no duct tape involved this time.] so we tried bobby pins first [Random thought: Why are they called bobby pins anyway? Why not Tom, Dick, or Harry pins? The things we think....] and when that didn't work I stapled them. [You might be a redneck if your son is wearing swimmie things that are stapled.]

We arrive at the pool and guess what? The entire cast from Deliverance was there...we should have heeded the warning of the banjos we heard in the distance and opted for staying in our "unit". The list of pool rules in conspicuously posted and the first rule? No alcoholic beverages. My diet Sundrop was the ONLY non-alcoholic drink around the tiny pool. And of course, someone was listening to the race. [Short would rather be strung up by his toe nails than listen to, look at, or even talk about NASCAR.] Against my better judgement, I allowed Gabe [and his stapled swimmies] and Emma to jump in the pool. They spent about 10 minutes in there when Gabe began to grab his fanny so I asked, "Gabe. What is wrong?", to which he responded, "I pooped...but it was just an accident." OMG - He did what? Seriously....he is potty trained and we haven't had an accident in months. As not to startle the other pool patrons [Or heaven forbid, interrupt the race] I gingerly grabbed his hand and motioned to the pool and to Craig. I whispered to him, "I think there is some in the pool." I take Gabe back to hose him down [to the "unit"] and Craig sends Cooper the Pooper Scooper in the pool [With his good shorts on] and Cooper discovers that what I was seeing were actually leaves in the pool. [" has a stem!"] Apparently Gabe's tarrying on the edge of the pool was not working up the nerve to do another cannonball but working up something else - he never got in the pool with the "accident" in his pants.

After my return to the pool I find Cooper in the pool throwing a football with a slightly older girl. Before I could ask, Craig sends me a text message [He is sitting right beside me] to tell me that she [slightly older girl throwing football with Coop] just told Mr. Clean [aka man across the pool, appearing to be older than 50 but still thinking he is only a little older than 25] that she is a professional wrestler [Does not shock me in the slightest considering the clientale at the pool.] to which Mr. Clean replies, "Well that kicks ass!" Yes...yes it does. You might be a redneck if you live here....I'm just sayin...

Tomorrow we are off to Nana and Paw Paw's to kick off the summer [I wish I could say that no one in my family had ever been a professional wrestler but that would be a lie - another story for another time. And my dad has no rules against alcholic beverages at his pool. And everyone will be wearing a bathing suit that fits.] Life as a Short (and a Byrum) is awesome!

Missy ♥

Friday, May 28, 2010

Pee Clothes and Other Oddities

Gabe has done very well using the potty. In fact, he's done so good that we aren't even putting him in Pull-Ups at night. [Of course, Coop fears that he'll wake up to a golden shower in the middle of the night since Gabe sleeps right above him but so far so good.] This past week at nursery, he had a small accident during nap and had to change into his extra clothes. Fast forward to this morning, as Craig was preparing them to go out the door..."Gabe! You need some pee clothes!" I called out. He answered with, "Mommy! My dingle is all out of pee. Why do I need pee clothes?" Guess he had me with that one! I just piled them up and said, "Give them to Miss Trish!"

Today, the papartment collection of maintenance misfits were supposed to come do "general maintenance" inside our unit. [I feel as if, when it is called a unit, that I'm in some sci-fi thriller. Of course, when I see some that live around here, I am reminded that I'm still living Deliverance Meets Boyz in the Hood. At least, Super Weird Dad Guy has moved on to stalk some other small child.] I'm not sure what "general maintenance" entails but I can assure you it did not include a new toilet seat. Yes, there is still duct tape on the seat. Yes, the seat is still broken. Yes, you might still be a red neck if you have a toilet with duct tape on it. I'm not sure what they "generally fixed" but I feel creepy that other people were in my house [Or unit as we affectionately call it around here] while I wasn't home. I try not to think about it...that doesn't work. On the bright side, the we-stay-up-all-hours-of-the-night-and-drop-randomly-large-objects-in-the-floor-neighbors above us have either fled the country [He writes on the bumper of his car....I'm just sayin...] or they are on vacation - fled the country sounds more plausible. We haven't heard their foot steps, loud bangs, coughs, or strange noises for nearly a week now. [Reminds me of a song: "Almost Paradise..we're knockin' on Heaven's we could we ask for more..."] We do have a new neighbor...with a cat...on a leash. [Which reminds of yet another song: "Catscratch fever!"] Did Ted Bundy own a cat?

I have decided to focus on some changes in my life over the summer. I cannot wait to be out of school [6.5 days left...but who's counting?] and I cannot wait to spend the summer with my babies [including Shorty] but I have decided that I have to get back into shape. I am just completely embarassed at my weight - how could I let myself go like this? I was doing so well just 3 months ago and now it's like I turn around because I think someone if following me and I see it is just my big butt...I am not going to be the fat girl anymore. I have signed up for the women's only triathlon in September so it is my goal this summer to get back into shape. Stay tuned....

Tomorrow is Emma Katherine's dance recital and Molly's got a tournament in Spartanburg so we will be busy. As always, life is fantastic :)

Missy ♥

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sa-Furry Rides and Jack A**

This past Friday Emma, Gabe, and I headed to Hollywild Animal Park [or, as I affectionately named it HollyPoop Animal Poop Park] for her final Kindergarten field trip. If you've never been there before......SAVE YOUR MONEY...what a dump...or should I say there's a lot of "dump" and it is EVERYWHERE! Duck poop, goat poop, peacock poop, giant tortoise poop, and bird poop - littering the ground. My Gabe does not watch where he is going anyway so you can imagine my terror as he runs, throwing caution to the wind, through the animals that wander around this place. Of course, it wouldn't be a trip to the zoo if some animals weren't, ummm, having "relations" with each other. [If you need help with that one then you need help.] At least we didn't have to watch them "fight" too long before some other nasty, ill-kept, tired animal caught the attention of my children as I dodged the poop to follow them. OMG - Don't even get me started on the bathrooms - I think the animals had better digs than we did...I was afraid I'd contracted some viral or better yet, fungal infection by simply walking into the crappy [no pun intended] bathrooms. There wasn't enough soap or hand sanitizer around to wash off that filth- zoo or bathroom. As if the poop and filth wasn't enough, check out this little tid bit of info: The place where you buy a small bottle of goat kool-aid [don't ask] and feed for the ducks [yes, the ones that poop EVERYWHERE] is also the SAME place where you can purchase snacks for YOURSELF - what the
h *&%? Emma and Gabe wanted to buy a snack and I would've felt better picking up a solid piece of duck poop and feeding it to them.

Apparently one of the amazing parts of this trip is the safari ride. Now, seriously, do you expect me to believe there is a safari in the middle of Nowhere, I mean Inman, South Carolina? This was more like a trip through someone's pasture, with random animals placed along a road ALONG WITH a bunch of crap [again, no pun intended] that one might find at a junk yard. A small area was set aside for the elusive Christmas floats - glad they didn't escape. Not only where we acosted by small goats and ducks in the park but on the the safari [Sa-Furry as Emma continues to call it] we were licked by large, fly infested animals. All I remember is being told NOT to touch their horns [which, incidentally, was the VERY last thing on my mind....not being eaten was absolutely first]. I also found it a little scary and a bit strange that this one ostrich kept following our Sa-Furry bus [aka SC school bus painted to resemble a zebra]. Then, we passed a nice green pond that appeared to be the great kingdom of the mosquito. So, if someone approaches you and ask you to go to Hollywild Animal Park with them, respectfully decline, fake choking on a french fry, or run quickly in the opposite direction.

Friday afternoon [after the amazingly awful trip to Hollypoop Wild Animal Poop Park] we were all piled in the car, coming home from school, and I was trying to get on 74 from KM...except a man in the lane beside the exit ramp would not move into the far lane. I ran out of exit ramp before he moved and in my distaste for his lack of driving skills I called him a jackass. [I know I just got some "I-can't-believe-she-says-that-in-front-of-her-kids" sighs and eye rolls from some readers out there] Of course, the one in the car listening is none other than...yes, you guessed it, Gabriel. And what does he say? "Goodbye jackass!" Oh well, I'd dodged poop all day...what do you expect?

Emma has decided that when she gets to kiss a boy [I know that is a shocker for some of you that know Emma] that she's going to ask him if he wants to tango. What in the world will I do when she turns 13? Oh my....

As in the parpartment is good...and the duct taped toilet is holding up.

Missy ♥

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Cooper! You're a Fuzzy!

As always there is so much to share about life as a Short...tonight is no different.

This past Saturday, we helped Short at the Hit-A-Thon. Afterwards, we rode over to the garage to put the Gator up. On our way, we passed the hurdles on the track and I commented to Short that Molly would be a good hurdler. [As if I know what it takes to be a good hurdler - I trip over my own feet so I am quite sure hurdling would be a pipe dream for me.] Well fast forward to yesterday afternoon and her is the conversation in my car:
Emma: Momma! Did you tell Molly she would be good at girdles?
Me [thinking to myself, "What the heck?"]: Emma, I have no clue what you are talking about?
Emma: You said she'd be good at girdles? We saw those girdles the other day at Daddy's school.
Me [Thinking again, "What the heck? Did I miss something...does Craig have girdles in his classroom? And if so, why?"]: Emma, I really don't know what you are talking about.
Molly: Momma! Do you really think I need to wear a girdle? Why do I need a girdle?
Emma: You know!!! You said she would be good at jumping those girdles at the football field.
Me [Finally...I caught on!!]: You mean hurdles? Not girdles - hurdles!!
Molly: Thank goodness!! I sure don't want to need a girdle.
Never, ever a dull moment is it?

Today, as we were riding back to KM for the big game, Gabriel got mad at Cooper. "You are a fuzzy Cooper!!" I almost ran off the road [Not because fuzzy is a terrible name to call someone but....] because I know he was trying to call his big brother a "hussy"!!! Now where has he heard that word? Hmmmm...let me think... Could it be because Short calls me hussy all the time? [No, he's not a terrible, name-calling husband who berates his wife in front of his children....I promise...he would get a butt whoopin fo' sho....] Short and I have this thing where he always says he wants to fight me - like our very own Fight Club [Of course, the first rule of Fight Club is? You never talk about Fight Club.] as a joke when I one-up him. So, I'm thinking the little man picked up the word "hussy" from his Papa and decided to break it out on Cooper...only he nailed him with "Fuzzy"!!!

My familly almost lost me one night last week and yet the story would have been a great one to tell. As you know, we are sick and tired of life in the "papartment" [Even though we put on the "it's-not-as-bad-as-you-think face" when people ask just plain sucks to be completely honest!] and we are ready to move. One night last week I had to use the bathroom [really, if you must know, I simply had to pee] and I've been fighting the toilet seat for about a month now. [it has a huge crack in it and no, it wasn't me - Short broke it.] I've been after Craig to duct tape it [You might be a red neck if your toilet seat has duct tape on it.] so it will quit pinching me. Well, he didn't, the seat pinched, I jumped and the entire seat slid sideways and off the edge of the actual bowl. Now how bad would Short have felt if he'd found me with a large, gaping wound in my head from hitting the bathtub, falling off of the toilet...THAT HE SHOULD HAVE DUCT TAPED?!!! Geez...we gotta get outta here!

Only 14.5 more days of school left [I would have put "one half" in numbers but I don't like the way the slash looks] and I am ready for the summertime. As always, life as a Short is just plain awesome!

Missy ♥

Monday, May 10, 2010

I Didn't Say It - It Was My Head!!

So I didn't officially fall off into blogger abyss, never to be seen or read again. Nor did I give up on the ranting and raving of life as a Short...we've just been busy. Blah, blah, blah - lame excuse I know but true. Between softball and softball and more softball it is hard for a girl to find time to do much of anything except, of course, watch softball. Short even had it on TV last night [Can I get a what the *&^% on that one? I feel like someone bunted, I missed the signal, and slid into third, only to be tagged high] Now don't get me wrong, I truly love watching my Molly Moo play and I love watching Coach Short do his thing but 3 or 4 games in a week, with Gabe and Emma chanting, "We want ice cream! We want cake! We want slushies! We want candy!" is just about more than one can handle...ya dig? We did make the playoffs and our first game is at home so that will be much easier on where is that daisy? You know the one that I choose to chant, "I hope we win (pluck) I hope we lose (pluck)" whilst feverishly plucking petals?

Speaking of softball, [aren't we always?] tonight Gabe gave me yet another reason to win Mother of the Year. As we were preparing to leave the tiny little abode we call home Gabe said the word dammit to Cooper. Now Coop, not wanting to repeat what Gabe just told him instead spelled the word for me. I asked, "Gabe, why did you say that?" and his reply? [Thought you'd never ask!] "Mommy, I didn't say was my head!" "So tell your head not to say things like that," I commanded him, all while I was surpressing hee hawing laughter. "OK! Head, don't say dammit. It's not nice." Really? And now you know the rest of the story....

We ventured out to look at houses this past Saturday. It was fun and a little overwhelming. [We'll get to the that in a minute] Gabe never meets a stranger. Apparently, the strangers' houses count as well. In one house, before we could get to him, he was laid up on the bed. In another, he decided he needed to potty. In yet another, he pulled toys out of a draw and played with them. And yes, he picked out "his room" in each house. I hope no one had video cameras or we could end up in trouble or on Youtube...or both.

Looking for houses is fun, exciting, and nerve racking all at the same time. I hate money and finanaces and dealing with credit. I also really hate getting my hopes up by looking at a house but knowing in the back of my mind that it is a pipe dream to even begin to think I can afford it. My question is this: What in the world to people do for a living if they have a nice big, decorated house, AND drive a nice big Suburban or Lexus SUV AND take lavish vacations? I can tell what they ain't doing for a living and this is teaching for the state of NC. I want so much for my kids to have their own space and their own rooms and a place to call home [This apartment has literally and figuratively "sprung a leak" - the sink in our HUGE master is dripping...the dishwasher has to be replaced...the sink in the kitchen is leaking...and our toilet seat broke] but right now I just don't think Short and I can swing it. How disappointing for us right now...but we'll be ok....:)

Got my passport today - the government is making a killing [Just in case some of you weren't aware of that little tid bit] off of this "service". We are new at this international travel thing so getting our picture made BEFORE entering the PP office was not on our "to do" list. An easy $30 made off of fools like us. And, you can't pay with your debit card unless you pay the $1.10 fee for a money order [which is printed right there!!!!!] to pay for the $15 picture and small book...which you HAVE to HAVE to fly into Canada. So all in all, $231 and one ulcer later, we are ready to fly to Canada :)

So much to say...stay tuned for more later. For now just remember that life is good...always :)