Free Sarcasm Any Day of the Week

I married one of the greatest men ever [well besides my own daddy:)] . He is an awesome daddy. His children [well, I guess OUR children - that was dumb] ADORE him. [And it shows because they get everything they want and then some.....] My mom told me one time that I act as if he hung the moon....and I still act like that a lot of the time [there are exceptions to this because he does make me angry at times. Unlike me, he is not the model spouse. Seriously.] He is a teacher and a coach and, in my opinion [which incidentally is more valuable than gold] he is the best at both. Best of all, he is a Christian role model for me, for our children, for his athletes, and his friends. He is a Jesus freak and he ain't afraid to tell ya!

And....sarcasm is just another service he offers. He is full of one liners, comments [this is exactly where Coop gets this from], and advice about what "he thinks." Here are a few:
1. [Heard this past week when we went to eat on July 5th but the place was closed for the 4th]: Rednecks will milk the 4th of July! This dumps been closed all weekend!!
2. [Heard after Molly made the comment that so and so was a good person]: Yeah, well there are good people in hell too.
3. [Heard when Gabe had chocolate all over his face but discovered AFTER we were in the grocery store]: That boy needs a wet nap!
4. [Heard after Molly was talking about something someone said]: He's full of more crap than a Christmas goose. [1. I've never had goose at Christmas. 2. I don't want one that is full of crap.]
5. [Overheard on a DAILY basis at our house] : Why am I so sexy? or How does the world contain this sexy man? or Do you realize how sexy I am? [My reply? Eye roll....eye roll....eye rolll.]
6. [Heard several times directed at a softball player]: I will rip your lips off...just sayin'. That was the worst at bat in the history of at bats in fastpitch softball. Hey you [insert position] if you want to watch the game buy a ticket! Can you catch a ball....PLEASE?! You are doing better - you suck less now. [He says this one when the girls don't catch/stop the ball.]GET OFF ME BALL!! [Incidentally, he has a bucket in the dugout with a bullseye for kicking and a place for tally marks.]
7. [Told to several referrees in the various sports he has coached over the years]: Well, ref, at least you are consistent....consistently bad [= yellow card in volleyball]. Ref: Say one more thing to me and I'll throw you out! Craig: ONE MORE THING! [= Coach Short exiting the field at JV football game, kicking 50 yard marker and one set of water bottles across the endzone on the way out] Ref to Craig: What rule book are you reading? Craig: Apparently the one you are not because I am right. Maybe you should read the other rule book.
8. [Heard consistently in the Short house]: I might be the best [insert whatever he is doing at the moment] in the whole world. For example: I might be the best peanut butter and jelly maker in the whole world. I might be the best hamburger griller in the whole world. I might be the best sock folder in the whole world. I might be the best grass cutter in the whole world. I might be the best.....[at this point we ususally hear blah, blah, blah.....]
9. [He's been doing this one since we met in college]: He will be across the parking lot at Wal Mart or across a store and he will throw his hand up and wave until I wave back. He's a big dude so of course, everyone in between me and him will wave at him. It's funny.
10. [This one really annoys me. He doesn't seem to care.]: I will call him to find out when he will be home and the conversation usually goes something like this:
Me: Where are you?
Craig: In the car.
Me: Where at in the car?
Craig: On the right side of the road.
Me: I hate you.
Craig: Well you asked.
11. [Molly reminded me of this one]: If the man feels strongly about something [like a political issue or something he thinks is absurd like commercials, bumper stickers, and people that drive really slow] then he gets on a tangent and it is best to listen and smile....because he's not going to be quiet until he says EVERYTHING he wants to say. Then, he'll say, "This is the last thing I'm going to say then I'll shut up." But...there's always one more thing to say after that....

He makes us laugh - alot! Needless to say, there is never a dull moment at our house - EVER. He did admit to us that when we are not home he will sometimes turn on the music and dance around the house. [And his dancing is hilarious - boy's got some rhythm] At football games on Friday nights and during softball games, we can always judge how the mood on the field is by the mad-o-meter - his hat. If things are going great, it's on his head. If things start going south, he starts to bend the bill and adjust it on his head. If it's super bad, then it's off his head and in his back pocket or the back of his pants or even on the ground. He swears this is not true but I've been watching him coach for 15 years - I know.

I love him. I can't imagine my life any other way. We've been through a lot together and he's always stuck with me [God bless him - he deserves many jewels in his crown for that alone] and he's always supported me. He is a good provider and a good man. He's my lobster :)