Sunday, June 27, 2010


Gabe has become a music fanatic. [Not to mention a fanatic of beerd...but we'll get to that later in the post.] So much so that he is now making requests of his favorite songs:
Doenote worry gotto Mr. Babato..Donno! Donno
G-A-D-E [It should be G-A-M-E...he spells like me]...Playa! All I wanna do is win win win - no matta what!
Annie are you OK? Are you OK Annie? You've been hit by- you've been struck by...a smoove criminal! [Then he does the MJ heal spin.]
And my personal favorite: Brass monkey..that chunky monkey! Brass monkey chunky, that chunky monkey. He actually will pitch a fit in the car [just like his daddy] if he doesn't get to hear songs he likes [just like his oldest sister, Molly]. He wants an iPod...and he knows how to use Craig's iPod dock to find songs on Molly's iPod. I was listening to John Mayer [I am a HUGE John Mayer fan...the rest of the family? Not so much....but I am mom and I get to do what I want.] and Gabe goes over and changes it to some song that I didn't know. I also included a short clip of Gabe doing some of his MJ moves. [And of course, the kid's in his underwear...maybe he'll be a Chippendale's dancer one Vegas...with the pole dancer: see video below...just sayin']

So Molly and Emma decided to create yet another exercise video. This one has a little more dancing than the first. [Mostly by Molly and some by Emma. Uh hum...we'll get to that later. OMG just about covers it.] You can check out the video below.

I am convinced that Emma will need an intervention before she's 13. Seriously, did you see how she was dancing and moving her rear-end? [Remember the table dancing episode in my classroom with Molly and Emma...I will need serious therapy to get through Emma's teenage years....I am not kidding.] Emma is the DIVA - there is no doubt about that!

Not to gross anyone out [Hey...I'm a mom of four so lots of gross stuff happens at my house.] but Coop had a massive nose bleed this morning. Now, normally, Short handles any blood from cuts, nose bleeds, etc. [I am the resident vomit cleaner - lucky me. We make a good team.] Craig was on his way to Charlotte with Molly for her ball tournament so it's just me, Coop, and the blood that was gushing from his nose [Not to be graphic BUT most definitely over-exaggerating for dramatic effect] in the bathroom. I am gagging the whole time [some mother I am] and poor old Coop was holding his nose and the bridge of his nose b/c I had to vacate the premises. [No sense in having me pass out was there?] I call Craig, in a panic, and he tells me to put something cold on his neck to help the blood flow slow down. "Just grab something from the freezer." I did. It was a pack of frozen pork tenderloin. So now, here we are: Cooper, his bloody nose, his pork chop ice pack, and me, calling from the other room, "Are you OK honey?" I am a great mom....

We stayed at the parents on Friday night. [to swim, get a free meal, and be that much closer to Molly' ball tourney on Saturday.] My mom decided to have a glass of wine after dinner and Gabe decided he wanted one too:
Gabe: Hey Nana! I want some of that juice!
Nana: You can't have any Gabe. This is just for Nana.
Gabe [Opening the wine chiller and pointing at a bottle]: Yes I can and I want this kind.

The next morning as we were leaving he told me he didn't want a Kool-Aid to take with him - he wanted a beerd. [No, no...not the hairy kind on a man's chin...the kind in a long-neck bottle.] I told him that children do not drink beerd. "OK then...just give me the Kool-Aid!" [Now you see why I need to get this out of my head?]

On a serious note, I have a good friend that needs your prayers and words of encouragement. Her name is Mindy and she just found out on Thursday of last week that she has breast cancer. She is young [only 42?] and has a wonderful husband and two teenage daughters. She found out Friday that the tumor is larger than the surgeon originally thought but that her type of cancer, though rare, is treatable. She will be going to visit Duke this week for a second opinion. Please pray for her, for her family [Mindy, her sisters Jenny and Sue, and myself, have gotten into trouble, laughed, cried, and shared lots - we worked together for 7 years.] and for the doctors that are in charge of her treatment. She has a very positive attitude...she is awesome! If you get a minute, stop by her caringbridge site, Mindy, and leave her a note. You can follow her story by clicking the link in the blogs I follow.

Life is really good...kiss your kids, love your spouse, and praise God for the miracles He does everyday.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Work it Guuuurrrllll!

Gabe has this thing about taking off his soon as he steps through the door..and today was no exception. As soon as we hit the door, down came his pants and off came his shoes. [Yes, in that order...he never does anything the easy way.] I mean, seriously, we do not sit around in our underwear [A collective sigh of relief from cyberspace was just heard] so I don't get why he does this. By the time supper rolled around, he was simply in just his blue briefs. Emma grabbed a red balloon from my classroom earlier in the day and this is how we found him right before supper.

That is 100% Craig...I do not act like that! [Not in public anyway...of course, my pants did fall down in a 5K race at UNCC...] We had to force him [Like hold him down] to put on clothes so that we could go out and hide some letterboxes Emma and I had carved earlier.

On our trip to hide the letterboxes Gabe saw an older gentleman with a set of headphones on. [As in 1980 old school headphones...with an antenna] "That man has a space helmet on doesn't he Mommy?" Yes...yes he does...bless him. [The man with the old school headphones and Gabe too.]

About a week ago, we were somewhere [Probably Wal-Mart...or Wal-Mart] when Craig spotted some woman who was shakin' her stuff [She was not a looker but really wanted to be.] and outloud, in the car, he said, "Work it Girl!" Well, the smallest Shortie has picked that up and he is not discreet about using it:

  • Walking through the parking lot at church on Sunday: Work it Guuurrlllll! [He really drags out the "girl" part.]
  • In Wal-Mart [ I live there?]: Work it Gurrrllll!
  • At the movie theater on Sunday: Work it Guuurrrllll!

He even broke out "Work it Booooyyyy!" on some guy as we were riding through the parking lot at the apartment. What in the world am I going to do with him? Sitting around in his underwear and making cat calls at women? [And some men....]

I have decided that Emma's two favorite words are, "Hey Momma!" They are automatic...she doesn't even need to have a reason to say something to me...she just says it. I guess it is her attempt to stay in the loop [She is nosey] or to be heard [She craves attention]. If I heard it once today I heard it like a million times!

I learned a few things from Craig's trip via his text messages:

  • Squanto was the Wampanoag Indian that saved the settlers on the Mayflower by teaching them how to farm and grow crops. [I got a DUH! from Short when I asked if Squanto was a man or woman...I said Gabe and Emma wanted to know but it was really me. History ain't my thang - sorry.]
  • Bahston [That's how they say it up there.] does not have really large portions of food. [Short is a hearty eater...he hasn't been impressed.]
  • Rednecks do exist outside of North and South Carolina. [I knew it!]
  • Fritas are just a fancy word for French fries. [So the next time I hit Chic-Fil-A I'm going to order waffle fritas.]

He'll be on a train for a very long time tomorrow...I cannot wait to see what his thoughts are then.

Nothing new on the weirdo front here at Casa de la Short Papartment. I did see Super Weird Dad Guy at the dumpster, sans his shirt. [Leaves nothing to the imagination...he needs a bra...and a shirt...I'm just sayin'] But, tomorrow is a new day...nothing surprises me here.

For the record, Emma did get moved to my bed last night - I wasn't a meanie. And yes, she kicked me, moved, hit me, talked, and stole the covers all night....gotta love the Diva.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Mommy You Have Spikes!

The Shorts have been enjoying their summer so far. We've pretty much done as little as possible [which really gets to Molly because she's 14 and she thinks that life should not be lived sitting at home..resting and peaceful] so far and that's cool with me.

Craig is out of town [and I am ready for him to come home because I do not like staying here by myself. I read too many creepy books with axe murders and crazy people and now they are in my head....and I can't sleep.] and won't be home until Saturday. That means two things: I am on my own with the kiddos [I can handle that] and Emma is currently my bedmate [I cannot handle that]. The Diva even thinks that she's got preference in MY bed!!! Last night, the first night I slept with her, she moved all night. She kicked covers, rolled over, talked, kicked me, and slept in the middle of the bed. Tonight I convinced her to fall asleep on the couch...she may still be there in the morning. [I know...what a terrible mother I am...blah, blah, blah.]

Tonight we [Gabe, Coop, Emma, and I - Molly has gone AWOL] decided to get Alice in Underland [Gabe never says Wonderland - it is always
Underland] from Movies on Demand [Cable sucks right now - we had to reset the stupid box to even get the movie to work]. Gabe was so enthralled with the movie - he watched almost the entire movie without moving. I was amazed. I will be honest though, the bizzaro, freakishly large headed Red Queen was a tad bit strange. [As if she was the only weirdo in the movie - the entire flick screams drug induced haze] Seriously, I could not get past her large gourd...what was up with that? Was that symbolism for her large ego? [Some of you are indeed impressed that I used symbolism, while others are frantically looking for the dictionary because you haven't a clue.] And that Cheshire cat sort of creeped me out [The fact that he disappeared and he looks very similar to the neighbor's cat on a leash made me turn my head slightly when he was in the movie.]

Emma decided she wanted to sit on my lap during the movie so, of course, Gabe had to run over there and sit with us too. He started rubbing my knee with this little fat hand and then he took a leap to the other end of the couch. "Mommy! You have spikes!" I'm guessing I need to shave? [No, we are not talking grotesquely long and hairy legs...I just shaved yesterday.] He then let me feel his legs and he said, "I do not have spikes but you do."

This morning [I realize there is very little sequence in my blog sue me] Gabe and Emma were laying in my bed when I got out of the shower. They were having a conversation about Craig:
Gabe: Emma, I know why daddy went to Boston?
Emma: I do too Gabe.
Gabe: He went to take back that moobie he got - Night at the Nuseum. I saw it on his dresser.
Emma: No Gabe, he didn't go to take that movie back. He went to hang out with the coaches.
Gabe: Oh...well he still had that moobie. I like that moobie.
Neither were correct, though it was cute to hear. Craig is part of a grant program with history teachers from several counties. Each year they study a certain time period of history by writing research papers, learning teaching strategies, and reading books. The group then takes a summer trip to visit historical landmarks and attend seminars with experts. [The very best part is that the entire group goes for free, gets money for food, and gets paid to go....not a bad deal.] Last night, [I know...sequence issues again] part of the group went to Fenway Park to see the Dodgers and the Red Sox play. And, for the first time in her 6 years, Emma watched almost an entire MLB game so that she could look for her daddy :)

I am now convinced that the guy that lives above us is part of one of those militias that is going to try to overthrow the government. Seriously, he has stuff [Random websites, upside down American flags, other junk...he's on a terrorists watch list somewhere] written on his car. Last week we saw he had some papers taped in the windows of the car. [I thought I would be smooth and park beside him and read them while getting out of my car - his wife was standing on the balcony watching me....I'm not a good PI.] These papers are about how the media is lying to us and how the government is brainwashing us and how we're all going to die in war. Now, when we see this car in the lot, we RUN to our door....and lock it behind us. The Sasquatch guy ain't got nothing on us...we're going to make headlines when our neighbor gets raided by the FBI. [I hope he's wearing the Fedora and carrying the six pack of Budwieser that he's usually got when he's outside...with the door to his apartment open...and his sucky music blaring] WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE....AND SOON! It's bad enough that the cast of Deliverance is here with we've also got Rambo [The Broadway version...he's a pretty boy] living above us. Throw in Cat-On-A-Leash Woman and Super Weird Dad Guy and this is a reality TV show in the works....I'm just saying....

Can't wait to see what tomorrow always, life is good ♥

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm Not Goin' in There!

Emma and I went on a little letterboxing adventure today in L-town. [Lincolnton for all of you peeps going, "Huh?" out there.] We had a most fabulous time and we are going back next week for another trip - this time with Stephanie.

So, I grew up in Lincolnton - moved there ,when I was five and moved away at 21. I spent countless hours driving the roads all over town. In fact, I spent most of my early teen years cruising the courtsquare. [If you are from Lincoln County then you know what I'm talkin' about. If you're not then you just aren't cool :)] I mean, I spent 1000s of hours, wasted 1000s of gallons of gas, and burned out a clutch in the Prelude up there. We would spend [Stephanie and me usually, but sometimes we did allow others the privilege of being seen with us...Matt, Karen, Kathy, DeAnne, etc.] HOURS waiting to go around the square or turn left form a back road. [This was THE entertainment on the weekends.]

Today, Emma and I chose L-town to letterbox becuase my thought was that I knew my way around - yeah, right! Apparently, during all of those years of cruising, the only thing I paid attention to was who was in the car beside me cause I sure wasn't paying attention to street signs. I turned up a one-way street today, had to turn around numerous times, bugged my personal GPS [aka Stephanie] to death, and rode past the same landmarks SEVERAL times. I am so directionally challenged. [Some of you that know me can attest to that - I once went from Lincolnton to Hendersonville via Columbia, SC AND to McAdenville, from GASTONIA, via Gaffney, SC....I ain't good with maps or directions or paying attention. How in the world do I get up and function each day?] We rode around and around and around the courtsquare [Back to the good ol' days again] and we did manage to find a few boxes here and there.

We ended up at the old Crowell Memorial Hospital...can you say super bizzaro creepy? Seriously, this place could be the sight of a Texas chainsaw kind of is way spooky. Of course, when we pulled in, Emma told me to get the letterbox - she said she was stayin' in the car! I've included a video below [from Youtube] of some idiots who went inside it. [That being said, I have zero sound on my laptop - some kind of virus attacked the sound - so if there is foul language I apologize - close your ears.]

We then ended up at the Lincolnton City Park. We turned in and the road crews were working on paving the road so they gave us a strange look. We searched for the LBX [unsuccesfully - we decided that the thought of snakes and other varmits made this one not so enticing] and pulled back to the road. We successfully blocked all traffic, from both sides, because apparently the pilot car [The one with the dude that gets paid to drive back and forth and back and forth and back and forth] wasn't smart enough to pull in front of me so I could follow, along with the stream of traffic behind the Stop/Slow sign guy. No traffic from the right, no traffic from the left - just a bunch of people waiting and waiting and waiting. [Honestly, I felt powerful...I managed to keep a long line of cars from moving at all - a one woman traffic jam so to speak.] Finally Mr. Pilot drive figured out that he needed to get in front of me and all of the folks that were stuck in traffic limbo moved.

Emma and I ended up at Highland Park. There are several different LBXs out there and were excited. The first box sends you directly into the weeds, thickets, and briars. My little diva [We don't call her flossie for nothing] sent me in. "Momma, you go ahead and just get the box. I'm just going to stay right here." So there my fat butt goes, climbing over blackberry bushes and other random weeds [probably hidden poison ivy - which I found out I am HIGHLY allergic too on another LBXing adventure last year...I guess I'll find out won't I?] looking for these big rocks. I found the rocks and I climb in there, lay on my stomach and dig under a rock. Guess what? Wrong rock! I had to climb across two more rocks to find the LBX. All the while Emma is telling me to "hurry up" because she is "sweating." We got the box, along with several others, then called it a day. We are going back, next week, to find some more...and this time we are bringing we don't wonder in circles.

I am thankful I got to spend the day with Emma...bugs, briars, sweat, and all.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Have a Forehead Too!

Yesterday was one of those days with Gabriel - he was just into everything - and it was ALL DAY LONG!! I truly do not know where he gets all of this energy and how he comes up with some of these things. [Yes...yes I do....he hears them from all of us and he simply repeats...all the time.] In fact, [completely random thought here] but on Sunday afternoon the toilet in the kid's bathroom seemed to overflow. It has done this several times over the last few weeks. [Which of course seems to be par for the course here in the papartment. Yes...there is still duct tape on the toilet.] Craig came running with towels while I let a bad word fly [Shocker I know...] "Sh**!" came out of my mouth...and of course, there goes Gabe: "Sh** Mowy!" No plumber necessary - Short figured out it was simply a tube that jumps out of place when the toilet is flushed way too hard. [I am sure there is some plumber terminology I am missing here. All I know is that when Craig removed the tank lid and flushed the toilet ALOT of water went a flyin'.]

Yesterday's adventures started when I got him out of bed to go to nursery.
Me: Gabe! What is that all of your legs and arms? [I am examining his legs and finding all sorts of random ink. All of our kids have tattoos - what's it to you?]
Gabe: I gave myself some tattoos last night. [He then pulls up his shirt to show me the ink on his stomach.] See mommy! I even have tattoos on my belwy! I tried to give Mowy one but she didn't want it.
So when I took Coop to basketball camp, Mowy attempted to remove the tatttoos from his body. She was mostly successful - he refused to take the belly tat off.

Yesterday afternoon, after we picked him up, we ventured to Wal-Mart for a few things. I vowed several weeks ago to never, ever take Emma and Gabe back to Wal-Mart...I broke my vow yesterday...Now I promise, pinky swear, threaten, wish on a shooting star, carry a lucky rabbit's foot, and do sincerely state that I WILL NOT TAKE EMMA AND GABE BACK TO WAL-MART EVER AGAIN! Gabe had his socks and shoes off [We sent him to nursery in some Levi's denim shorts, a yellow wife-beater shirt, and tall white socks...he was Joe Dirt...all he needed was the mullet.] and he was cramming the socks in his mouth! [Some of you may or may not know but I have this fear of people putting socks or gauze or paper towels in their mouth. It makes me physically ill...I know I'm a werido] I almost gagged right there.

We make it home and Gabe decides that instead of listening to his tiny bladder he'll just mess with the new Wii game Coop got and PEE IN THE FLOOR! Seriously? Really Gabe? Did you just PEE in the floor? I could have beat him...until he took his "pee" clothes off and put on a new pair of tighty whities - inside out!!! And he remained this way for the rest of the night.

We decided to hit the pool again. We made it about 30 minutes. [The entire cast of Deliverance was there along with Spicolii from Fast Times at Ridgemont High....and a few folks I am sure have been on MSNBC's Lock Up and To Catch a Predator...and Jerry Springer.] Craig couldn't take it anymore and made everyone get in the car and leave. Upon returning, as Gabe and I were talking about swimming, he grabbed my face and said, "Whatever Mommy! Whatever...I'm not listening to you." 'Nuff said I suppose....

Later in the evening, Gabe went to the potty [And this time not right beside the TV] and then he was messing with something. Instead of getting up to see I just yelled, loudly, at him: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU MESSING?" He came running out of the bathroom, wiping his face. "Mommy! I had to brush my teeth becuause my breath was kicking me!" [Incidentally, he was trying to say, "My breath was kickin'"] I almost peed my pants! [I could've done it and blamed it on Gabe.]

We finally got him to lay down on the bed while we watched Pawn Stars [Great family entertainment!] and he began pointing and counting. He counted my eyes and his eyes. Then he counted chins and noses. Then he told me that he had a forehead and I had a forehead but not everyone has a forehead...then he was out. [He got up today and did it all over again...]

Life as Gabe's mommy is pretty cool! Love the Shorties...they make me smile.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Brass Monkey Chunky! That Chunky Monkey!

Gabriel and Emma have a new found liking for The Beastie Boys. [Craig, however, cannot stand them! In his words, he loathes them with every ounce of his being.] The latest favorite song is "Brass Monkey" but they don't know the they just make them up.
Gabe: Brass monkey...that chunky monkey! Brass monkey chunky...that monkey monkey!
Emma: Brass monkey...that monkey monkey! Brass monkey's a chunky monkey!
At least they are attempting to follow the rhthym and rhyme [Those might be two of the hardest words in the English language to spell - EVER!] and not making up their own words like Cooper does. I can't wait to teach them the words to "Posse in Effect" or "Girls"...that should be interesting!

For some reason still unknown to me, we visited three pawn shops. Now this was an absolute first for me - I've never been inside one at all. [I do love watching some Pawn Stars on the History channel - where do people find this crap and why can't I come across a $12,000 piece of paper?] Of course, Gabe and Emma were in hog heaven - they couldn't get enough of people's crap. Imagine the joy and excitement if we'd actually gone to a yard sale [Or - OMG - the 321/I-85 Flea Market]?? The excitement would have been too this family we like to ease our children into new things like hawn shops. [No, no...that isn't a typo. Gabe kept calling them hawn shops.] Last weekend we were history buffs - today back to being regular old Cleveland County rednecks - awesome!

So we went shopping tonight [Yes, all 6 of us.] and Gabe is a trip the entire time we are shopping:
I promise I won't touch anything Mommy! [You know he is lying!!] I promise I won't run off Mommy! [It is getting deep in here!] Can I get a toy if I be good? [Yes, you can...I can promise that 'cause I know the kid - he ain't gonna make it!]
We left Old Navy with some new clothes for Gigantore [that would be Cooper for those of you unaware of how big he is at 11 years old....that would be 150 and almost 5'9"...I am now not at eye-level with him anymore. But no fear because I can still open up a can of whoop a** on him when necessary - that is why they call me the Mom.] and several new pairs of flippie floppies. We then headed to Ross where Gabe decided that he would help Molly shop by pulling random dresses, old women's clothes, and men's underwear off the racks and into the floor for her to try on. [Incidentally, we were in Gastonia so it probably was not unusual to see someone with all of those things at once to try on. I can talk about the Gas entire family was born and raised there.] Then he saw some bras and it was on:
Boobies! Those are for boobies! Boobie, boobie, boobie! You are a boob! Cooper is a floppy boob! Boob!!!!!
[You know the drill: You might be a redneck....]
The one good thing that came out of our little adventure is that Molly actually tried on 4 dresses [I honestly had to take a knee in the dressing room I was so shaken at the startling chain of events] and she decided that she wanted two of them. Apparently, her Sunday School teacher and best friend's Mimi told her that she needed to dress nicer for church. [I am forever indebted to these two women and in awe: I've tried for 14 years to buy her a dress to no avail. You two mention it, at seperate times, that the young folks need to dress up more for church and BAM! she walking out of Ross with TWO dresses. I need for her to clean up her room and hang up her clothes...]

So that is a Saturday with the Shorts....hawn shops and new dresses...and boobs:) Life is good!
Missy ♥

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm Tired...But I'm Not Angry

Last weekend we went on a surprise "daycation" [that is such a yuppie word..and I'm not a yuppie] to Cowpens' Battlfield in SC. Now, for those of you that don't know my dear, sweet US History teaching hubby, he loves, loves, loves these historic joints. [Me? Not so much but am willing to read placards and see guns in cases for the man I ♥] We were able to see some reenactment soldiers do demonstrations on the types of rifles used by the militia and the military. [Incidentally, Gabe was in the restroom when one of these "soldiers" came in and Coop said Gabe was in awe. We caught him pointing on the way out - so cute. Random thought: I am glad he encountered the soldier while using the actual restroom instead of the random bush or tree that we're used to him using while in public.]

We did have a lot of fun actually walking the trail. We made fun of each other [Molly runs like a she has an injured wing - is she a chicken?] and watched Gabe and Coop snipe people from behind the trees. We even watched a group of wild turkeys [Or maybe we were taking nips from the Wild Turkey and just thought we saw turkeys....hmmmm......] as they roamed through the trees. Gabe found a super cool grasshopper on the path and Emma decided she is way too girly to actually sweat. It was fun [And yes, I did learn something: Militia rifles (used in hunting) had grooves cut into the barrel with made the bullets more accurate while military rifles had smooth barrels. This made the round bullets bounce around as they came out of the barrel, thus making them inaccurate. Boom yow!!]

We got back to the car and we were all hot and tired. About 5 minutes into the ride, Gabe informs us, "I am not angry but I am just tired. I am going to rest my eyes." He was out...down for the count...zonked...sound asleep...snoring. It amazes me, though, that as soon as we began to talk about ice cream he was suddenly wide awake: "I want some ice cream too!" I didn't care where we stopped but I had one request: Peach Milkshake! I'm figured we were in the land of the peach [You know, around the huge peachoid aka butt crack] so the milkshakes would be pretty good. I was not disappointed - one peach milkshake [And about 4500 calories later] I was one happy momma. [And Gabe had managed to get cotton candy ice cream in his hair, down his shorts, and all over his hands...and loved every minute of it!]

As is good!
Missy ♥

Thursday, June 3, 2010

If You Could Be A Fly on the Wall...

Tonight I realized several things about living in this family:
1. There is ALWAYS random conversation going on - someone is always talking to someone else.
(All overheard tonight in the living room/kitchen/hall [Yes..that is all one area] in the Short unit)
Emma: Hey! Everyone listen to me! I got a new song for you!
Cooper: You see, on this paintball game, my team has to do blah, blah, blah.........
Gabe: Spiderman. Spiderman. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.
Molly: Daddy! What time does the game come on tonight?
Me: Listen to this bizarro story I heard at lunch today.
Craig: I am so ready for school to be out.
I mean, seriously, we were all talking about random things - At one time!!! Who was listening?

2. We are hardly ever serious...about anything! For example, we have a new neighbor beside us. [You might remember....she has a cat...on a leash.] I saw her at Wal-Mart [You might be a redneck if you go to Wal-Mart twice in 24 hours...I'm just sayin'] and the neighbor was talking to herself. So we pull up in front of the apartment and I tell Cooper that I just saw her in Wal-Mart and she was talking to herself. "We what do you expect? She's got a cat on a leash for goodness sakes. No time to let the feline "cat" around [get it? "cat" around]" Cooper says to me. I guess he's got a point.

3. We can recite any shameless comedy, cult classic, or Will Ferrell movie - on the spot!
Gabe is frequently heard quoting 16 Candles: She's getting married? Yes! Married! Geezsh - or Nacho Libre: I ate some bugs. I ate some grass. I used my hand to wipe my tears.
Emma's favorite is from Dumb and Dumber: Mock! Yeah! Ing! Yeah! Bird! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Mocking Bird...
Cooper changes his up a good bit. Sometimes he's feeling O' Brother Where Art Thou?: Come on in fellers...the water's fine - or he chooses a line from Dumb and Dumber: We got no money! We got no food! Our pet's heads are falling off!
And Molly loves Nacho Libre too: Get that corn out my face Stephen!
BUT without fail, my kids can recite them....Makes me so proud [You know the drill, "You might be redneck if your kids can recite movie quotes on command.]

Random thought here but while in the self-check line at Wal-Mart I made a few observations. If you haven't already guessed it, I am a people watcher. I like to just see the little quirky things that people do in public. ["I always feel like somebody's watching me...and I have no privacy."] So tonight, in Wal-Mart [for the second time in 24 hours] I had an epiphany of sorts:
I decided that there should be a Stupid-O-Meter at all self-check registers.
If you are not capable of these two simple rules then you fail and must be escorted to the longest line in the store - opposite of the door where you parked your car:
A. Self-check out is NOT acceptable for the grocery cart that is so full that crap is falling off in the floor. We are talking, if you can multi-task and listen, maybe 10 things. And for goodness sakes, make sure it has a flippin' tag on it BEFORE you get there...And yes, we do mind waiting for you to run and get cheese.
B. Self-Check is not for you, your cousin, your cousin's momma [Which may or may not be your aunt...or sister...or momma. We are talking about Cleveland County here.] your brother, his girlfriend, her momma, and baby Junior to check out, one at a time, even though only one cart is involved. [For those of you scratching your head (or your rear) stay with me: One person pushes the cart while all mentioned above add their Tampons, six-pack of Bud, two packs of Juicy Fruit, that NASCAR collectible, and a tube of red lipstick. Then they congregate at the self-check, one at a time, and each pays for something. Now you with me?] I mean really....pool your money and let one person pay or GO TO ANOTHER LINE!!!!!

It is really very simple - if you fail one or both of those simple things then the Stupid-O-Meter goes straight to "There is a village looking for me" and you get carted off. I don't care that you pressed charges against that ho [True story...overheard it today] or that your baby daddy ain't paid in two months. I don't care that you cannot simple listen for the little machine to scan your Vienna sausages [All 65 cans] before you place them in the bag. GET WITH IT PEOPLE - IT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE!!! And by all means, if you are going to purchase a gift card, for the sake of my sanity [and the sanity of all semi-normal, mostly intelligent Wal-Mart shoppers] take the blasted thing to one of those folks in navy and kahki [with the "Hi! I am _____ Wal-Mart nametag] and let them "assist" you - that is what they get paid for!!!!
This is going to be a WiLd weekend!!! Molly plays ball in Rock Hill and Emma and Gabe are going to head to Aunt Nooner's for Sophie's 4th birthday. No rest for the weary I suppose.
As always, life as a Short is awesome!!
Missy ♥