Black Mamba and Other Scary Tales

Nightmares are just God's way of waking us up [abruptly I might add] from a dead sleep to seek His protection. I am certainly talking to Him right now....

Emma K. loves Nat Geo Wild [she apparently wants to work in a zoo...and to think, all this time, I thought she might work in Vegas in a tattoo parlor or worse. Things are definitely looking up!] so tonight [after walking about 2 miles THEN eating a cookies and cream milkshake from Casa de la Shortie] we watched some show about these men that find snakes and stuff in the wild. [A) Teaching middle school is WAY tougher than capturing any venemous snake. B) Snakes are cool but the ones that will kill you are best viewed dead....or behind glass....or not at all.] Incidentally, [only because Emma and Gabe are addicted to TV like I am to Diet Sundrop] Emma had already seen this particular episode of Wild Adventures so she was giving us the play-by-play commentary. These men [one of whom speaks Spanish, according to Emma, but his name, complexion, and accent indicate more like Dutch? What the heck? Dutch. Spanish. They all sound the same when you are seven] were attempting to look for a black Mamba snake that was stowing away in a public restroom. [Just one more reason in my laundry list of reasons to NOT use a public restroom.] Apparently this snake loved the tank water of the toilet becaue it was hiding in one then moved to the other. One man [the English speaking American] sent in a high tech robot, like the ones used to detonate bombs, in to find the snake. [Which I found actually comical ~ you are a snake wrangler, for a living!!! I don't send in high tech robots when my 8th graders are acting like grade-A, first class goobers (which is EVERYDAY) to manage them....I just kick fanny and take names MYSELF. Watch and learn Mr. Snake Man.] Well the fancy, smancy robot could not find the snake because it was not tall enough so the silly men [Mr. English Speaking American and Mr. Dutch Accented Spaniard] DID have to do their jobs and go in with those long, clamp things and get Black Mamba. Interesting stuff until 3:00am....

[Nightmare entitled Camping at the Rental Estate from an Episode of Snapped with the Parents, the Shorties, several New Characters, and Bigfoot] My grandparents have been gone for a number of years but tonight they reappeared as the landlords of this enormous rental house, in the woods, that I just watched on an episode of Snapped recently. [You will begin to see that the general theme of this blog is too much TV at the Short house.] My family and I arrived in three, enormous FBC-KM vans [Yes, I hit the curb several times in this dream too] along with many of the folks from A Kick in the Teeth [our kickball team just played in the championship game tonight] and everyone's vacation pick....Bigfoot. Now, follow along with me......
We arrived [this odd assortment of people, thrown together because my mind is warped ~ seriously] to find my parents already there. My dad showed us around the huge estate [and just like the one where this rich old lady killed her rich, lawyer husband on the couch from the above mentioned episode of Snapped] except in my nightmare this house had a huge water park in the front yard. Fast forward to the end of the vacation [that part is true to life ~ vacations go by way too fast] when we are preparing to leave….there were about a million rules for leaving the rental [which, incidentally, is just like staying at my mom and dad’s house now] including cleaning up in the china shop. [Missy’s mind = super bizarre and slightly psycho] where I worked but broke most of the china. [Funny because just yesterday I dropped a small plate out of the cabinet and broke it.] Just like the dream was the end of my vacation, it was also closing time for the china shop. So, in addition to trying to pack up the Shorties to go home, [along with this random assortment of people] I was also attempting to close the china shop [I am the bull that works there] while taking on the 1,000,001 direction from my dad. [Sidenote on the directions: They were things like remove all curtains and wash them, set the appliances at a 45 degree angle, and clean every leaf from the pool. Note to self: Next time, dream about going on all expenses paid trip to Hawaii….alone.] All of a sudden, we are left with a ton of things to get done ~ washing all the sheets, the clothes, counting the cash register, taking care of Bigfoot, and avoiding gunfire. In the nightmare, it was like I could not get everything done [not unlike living here] because as soon as I would take clothes or sheets or curtains out the dryer then more would appear. I would yell at the kids to pick up their rooms [Again, real life meets fiction] and they would ignore me. I asked Craig to vacuum 3 times and yes, he ignored me. Fast forward again to the pool ~ where we have tranquilized Bigfoot so that we can send in some crazy man to capture him with fishing line. [Forget that stick the dude from Casar was using ~ fishing line is much easier.] At this point there was a lot of blood in the pool and I could not get to my children. That is so scary to have something so real [well besides Bigfoot] that it feels like you may lose your children because you cannot reach them. Bigfoot's tranquilizer wore off and then he began to scratch and bite me as I was trying to get out of the pool. When we finally got out we were in a parking lot where gangs were fighting and shooting at each other. Again, in the hail of bullets, my children were frantically running and I couldn't get to them. Finally, in desperation, I ran through the bullets to save them and that is when I woke up. [Tonight there will be zero milkshakes and definitely no black Mamba snakes.]

Other scary tales from the Short house? Well Gabe is home all summer and wreaking havoc on us! From screaming in the mic at Food Lion to just generally screaming I can say that he is driving me CrAzY!!! He likes routine [what's that?] but he doesn't like Emma K. up in his grill all the time [Emma is the mother hen type and a tad bossy...ummm...like her mom :)] so he's gone to screamin' [which has made me want to scream] and whining [like his daddy]. I have torn that tail up a few times ~ hasn't fazed him at all. That black Mamba snake from above? Got nothin' on Gabe.

Tuesday we made him clean his room. The boy spent 5 hours in his room but it wasn't until Craig and I found some HUGE black trashbags and stood over him like Nazi soldiers that he finally picked up his "mans" and blocks. Some of you are shaking your heads and talking about us like we're awful parents....and maybe we are...but he is his own beast and we have to tame him....or die trying. The boy is going to learn, come heck or high water, that putting up his stuff is not an option [of course, Craig's been tryin' to teach me this for 16 years so poor ol' Gabe gets it honest] and when we tell him to do something he needs to do it. Molly has made him rotten!!!

Another great week praising the Lord - NYC style! I've had the most fun hangin' with the kids and youth at FBC-KM. I will be so bored next week....

As always, life as a Short [even when Bigfoot is around] is awesome :)