I'm guessing I should give the obligatory "this is gonna be an awesome year" blog but I'm not feeling that one at all. Not that I don't think that the next year will be amazing but there is something deeper that is beckoning me to speak [and no, it isn't the amazing sweet 16 birthday dinner we had tonight]. You ever just feel that tug on your heart and your mind that is so strong that ignoring it is impossible? That is how I feel. I find myself constantly questioning my purpose on this Earth [yes, entertaining the masses is a given] and I keep hearing these same words to my favorite song...."I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us"....in my head, on my lips, in my heart. I know that He is speaking directly to me. I promised God, at MFuge, that I would listen to Him because for most of my life I listened with a "but". [Not that kind of butt either.] I listened as long as it wasn't going to be uncomfortable or push me out of my comfort zone. For all of my "think outside the box" stuff I like to try in my classroom I am extremely uncomfortable in new situations. I would describe me as awkward. [Some of you that have known me for a long time are now thinking, "Well duh"] But, He is pushing me, to be bolder about sharing my faith.As the book of James (2:26) says, "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
I have to be more steadfast in studying my Bible. I have a confession - some of it I don't "get". That is hard for me to say, especially to Craig, because I have always felt like reading was something that gave me the edge in the smarts department. [I ain't super smart but if I don't know the answer I sure know where to find it!!] Craig studies his Bible - he knows what's there and how to interpret or "read between the lines" where I flounder [funny 'cause I really hate fish] at some of the things in the good book. I love to read - always have - but reading has always been difficult for me. Not the fluency part [let me throw some of my reading specialist stuff atcha] but the comprehension. I have to read and study to make sure I understand because I don't retain knowledge [random facts - yes]. I'm a visual learner - draw me a picture or 'splain it in Missy terms and I'm good. The Bible is full of analogies and these read between the lines ideas and sometimes the message isn't getting to me if I just read it - and I give up too easy. I love Sunday worship, for many reasons, but mostly because Brother Chip explains all the parts of the scripture we are reading - the history, the Greek, the hidden meanings, everything - and I've filled up a small notebook in the last 6 months or so. I am amazed at how much I've learned and then I can go back and fill in the blanks. [There are alot in that crazy, mixed up head of mine.]
I say all of this to say that I have to be more diligent and more focused when it comes to reading and studying my Bible as I enter 2012 [The Year of the Dragon for those of you with the attention span of gnats . I have four children that are looking for my guidance in this area - how can I guide them if I don't understand the directions? I want to be bold in my witness and not just quote scripture.
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are One
You won't relent until you have it all...my heart is yours.
Part of this starts with making some drastic changes in my schedule so that I get to bed early enough to get up early and focus on time with God. [Which means no more impromptu blogging at 3:08am.] The other part begins with letting go of the regrets and worry and moving forward. I think I've started doing this, in a lot of ways, and so far, its going well. I'm not worrying so much about what someone might think [or not think] about me and I'm attempting to shed the fear and anxiety that has plagued me for a long time. I blogged earlier about being free...truly free...and I'm more free than ever...but I have to keep moving forward. It's not about me at all...ever...but about what God's purpose in my life is and about listening.
So, as the final day of 2011 looms large, I desire your prayers. I have a special request that involves something that has been laid on my heart. It is school related so I won't share the exact details, but just know that your prayers are appreciated. [FYI - I am perfectly happy being the dorky yet creative science teacher and other employment is not on my radar. This is something that I want to do to outside of my regular duties as a teacher.]
I have not forgotten about my resolutions [Did I mark out eat sushi?] and I will be giving you 100 days of Step Away, absolutely free of charge, in the first 100 days of 2012 [Which should be named The Year of Chubby] and more pics of the Shorties.
As always, life as a Short is good :)