Defined

I have never hidden my struggles with weight and self-image. In fact, I remember posting one time that I'd spent my thirties as the F-A-T 30s.  

At 43 years old, I am still searching for a way to love that woman I see in the mirror. [I am in no way, shape, or form "fishing" for compliments from anyone. I am just trying to be transparent.]

The last 18+ months I have dropped almost 50 pounds and tried really hard to be more healthy. For 102 days in a row I have logged my daily food consumption into MyFitness Pal on my iphone. I used to drink 5- 6 20 oz diet Sundops a day. Since Easter Monday I traded in my diet Sundrop for water [and coffee and the occasional glass of tea].  

My blood pressure has come down significantly. There have been no more issues with my blood sugar. My clothes are way too big and I no longer have to wear those horrid [as my children call them] "mom jeans". 

So what's the issue?

My health is the issue. I may have dropped 50 pounds [and still need to lose 30 more] and that is a plus. 

The minus is that I have deprived myself of nutrition in a desperate attempt to be this "skinny" the world says I should be as a woman. 

Now don't get me wrong...your girl loves to eat. [As Craig would say, I've never met a cookie I didn't like...]

Any meal, lately, has become a battle. 

Guilt against the food.

Guilt wins more times than food. 

The last two months I have seen my primary care doctor, my gynecologist, a gastroenterologist, a hematologist, given numerous vials of blood, had an ultrasound and [be very jealous] a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Thankfully, the issues seem to all be pointing to a vitamin deficiency and not something more serious.

I can look back at my food diary for the last 102 days and see some glaring red flags:
1. I rarely consume more than 1600 calories a day and many days I don't consume enough for the app to count it when it is time to complete the diary entry for the day.
2. I haven't replaced all of that diet Sundrop with nearly enough water so I am severely dehydrated [thus all the digestive issues].
3. IF I ALLOW FOOD TO CONSUME ME [NO PUN INTENDED] AND MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY THEN WHAT GOOD CAN COME FROM THAT?

I've searched Pinterest, the world wide web, the pantry, read the books, and punched EVERY SINGLE MORSEL into MyFitness Pal. What I didn't do, until today, is realize that food is not my enemy. 

I am my own worst enemy. Satan is smart and he knows exactly where to get me.

Matthew 6:25 says, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?"

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "Don't realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

Food does not define me. It is given to me to nourish my body and that is how I need to treat it. 

The world does not define me [or anyone else]. With desperation in my voice, [as in, I could use your prayers] I have to learn to love who I am. 
  

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:13-14

As always, with a new perspective, it's a great day to be a Shortie.