The Royals (Say it With a British Accent)

Raise your hand if you care about Kate Middleton [she is married and it is time for her to stop the women's lib thing and take the last name of her husband] and William Duke of Cambridge [so why are we calling him Prince if he is a Duke?  Is that like Duke's mayonnaise or like Duke in Durham?  Did you know his last name is Louis?  Me neither - had to Google it] and if you truly care about the last time she farted, what kind of underwear is covering his fanny, and if the spot of tea was excellent?  [Somebody out there is A. Actually raising your hand  B. Offended that I used the word "fart", and C. Offended that I am discussing the royal couple in my redneck blog.]  Are you truly aware of how much that wedding cost?  $35 million dollars.  That is a 3 and a 5 with six zeroes....$35,000,000!!  I know I'm like a year late on this one but I am just now jumping on the royals bandwagon [or rather jumping up and down and rocking it]. 

I love the Today Show. [No, I'm not one of those OMG-Matt-Lauer-is-so-hot-women.  And thank goodness I am at work when drunkards 1 and 2 (aka Kathie Lee and Hoda) come on.]  EVERY morning, when I am trying to get ready watch the news of the day I have to hear Michele Konsinski telling us yet ANOTHER mindnumbing but "breaking" news story about Kate or William or the Queen [isn't she like 490 years old or something?] I am going to throw something at that $90 TV in my bedroom.  I don't care that some other "princess" is wearing a dress like Kate's - does she have a patent on it?  What if I want to wear a dress like Kate in my wedding? [Well, A. I'm already married and B. It is an UGLY dress.  It is MY blog and these are MY opinions.]  Anyone who can spend $700 on a pair of shoes should wear them twice in one week.....for that money you should have your eyeballs impaled with the heels of them suckers so they never leave your sight!  Really? 

And yet some Americans cannot get enough.  I honestly do not understand this line of thinking.  Maybe it's wanting to live vicariously through someone else. [I am thinking I would choose Josh Hamilton's wife but definitely not Kate.]  How can you take someone seriously when they spent $800,000 on wedding flowers?  I guess I'm just not even a higher class of redneck because I would watch Swamp People and Ax Men over any dumb royal wedding.  I don't even want to watch the Olympics because I know what a big deal will be made over Kate and William being there. [And of course we'll have to see the Queen with her same polyester suit dress and some sort of tiny hat....I swear she is 1000 years old.]  We'll probably have to see Charles and Camilla too. [Hopefully both of them will wear paper bags over their heads for our sake.]  BLAH!!!

[I am sure I'll catch some heat over this one but that's OK.]  To each their own I suppose.  I just can't bring myself to get into the royal clan [maybe they aren't redneck enough for me or something] and I could care less what they wear or where they go. I feel the same way about Brad and Angelina - he is dirty and she is emaciated.  They need to meet at a bar: a bar of soap and a bar of chocolate!!!  I could care less about what they do or don't do, if they are married or not, and if they save the entire continent of Africa [or where ever they keep getting all these kids from]. I don't want to keep up with the Kardashians and I don't want to know how hard the lives of all those rich housewives are [major eye rolling on that one] in Atlanta and New Jersey.

I am done with my ranting and raving [said with a British acccent].