Running Hard and Fast

It goes without saying that I have been struggling.  

I see it in my own writing over the last year.  I see it in the mirror.  I feel it when I put on my clothes. 

My husband is really the only one that knows the depths of what has been going on in my head.  

To many of you, on the outside,

it looks irrational. 
it looks like I'm whining.
it looks like I'm disgruntled and negative.

Maybe I am all of those things.  Sometimes, I'm not sure.  Honestly.

What I do know, in the midst of all this confusion over why I feel this way, is that many people have been praying on my behalf.  I can feel these prayers. I know that my own husband intercedes daily, sometimes hourly, because he is a Godly man. 

Maybe it is time I share how I truly feel....

Our world is going to hell.  Quickly.  And that is a scary bit of information for a mom trying to raise four kids at different stages...college, high school, elementary.  I read this, sometimes daily: 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

There are people out there that truly do not care about others.  I don't mean like you have to take on my problems kind of caring but just being a decent human. It has taken me 41 years of thinking the world was filled with wonderful people to be slapped square in the face with this one.  I'm not choosing to focus on these people but I observe them at every corner.  [If you read my recent post  you will understand this more.]  I'm not sure if I've just become overly sensitive to the actions [or lack of actions] by others but I see so much selfish behavior all around me. So where do we [I] fit in? Why are we so scared to step up and volunteer?  Why are we so scared to reach out to others? Why are we so scared to admit that we need to do more to help those that need us? 

  "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."  Galatians 6:2

Entitlement is ruining our schools and our society.  I am not an advocate for the everyone-gets-a-trophy or everyone-gets-to-play or my-kid-has always- gotten-straight-A's-so-it-must-be-you mentality.  When I hear these words at school, "Hey, that's not fair!"  I promptly respond with, "The fair just left...you should've hopped the train."  Why does everything have to be fair when you aren't willing to work for it?  Ask someone who is facing a life threatening illness about fairness.  Ask a kid who hasn't eaten all weekend about fairness. Ask a parent who loses a chid to suicide over bullying about fairness.  I've said it before and I will say it again [for good measure]...Entitlement can go die in a hole. 

"But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48

You don't get to choose when you can be a part of my life and that of my family. Left out. Not by the choices we have made but by the choices they have made.  I struggle with this, A LOT.  The six of us Shorties stick together. We are tight. Thick as thieves. Got each other's back.  You get one of us you get all of us.  You disregard one of us then you disregard all of us. My children deserve better and I won't back down from that.   

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD
The fruit of the womb is a reward. 
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, 

So are the children of one’s youth. 
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; 
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5

So I am running hard and fast towards Jesus. I want to get to a place where I feel good about myself.  I'm not there yet. [In fact, I'm a long, long way away.] But Jesus said, in Matthew 11:28-29,  “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  

You may think I've shared too much.  

You may now think [or had it confirmed] that I've gone mad. Lost my mind. Am off my rocker.

You can think whatever you choose. 

Because I am remembering where my worth comes from and it has been one hell of an uphill battle.  

I will come out on the other side, much better.  

I am a daughter of the King. 

I am loved. 

I am worthy. 

I am Missy.