My Last Year as a 30 Something

Hola mi amigos ~ long time no see!! [You didn't know I knew Spanglish did you?]  To be honest, [Why is this phrase used so much?  Really you are being honest?  I think I'll start saying, "To tell you a completely fabricated and utterly riduculous lie....." because that sounds like a lot more fun] I've been struggling.  I won't get into the ugly details but just know that surviving on a few hours of sleep each night has really taken it's toll on me. I decided that maybe a trip to the ol' sleep doc might be a good idea.  As it turns out, I have a pretty moderate case of sleep apnea. Now I get to go back and spend the night in a doctor's office, with other strange people, hooked up to 1,578 wires that plug into a box that monitors my brain waves [yes, I have a brain], my heart, and my oxygen levels while I sleep with a Darth Vader like mask that forces air into the back of my throat....sounds like a barrel of monkeys now doesn't it?  So I asked the good sleep doctor, "Why, at my age, after having no problems sleeping in my entire life, has this all of sudden become a problem?"  [Wait for this incredily scientific answer....] "Well to be honest [there it goes again] Mrs. Short, we really have no idea." That is comforting....really.  Should sleeping be this difficult? Isn't it like NATURAL to sleep?! Why, all of a sudden, have the muscles in the back of my throat decided to go on strike, rendering my ability to BREATHE null and void?  "Yes, at one point your oxygen saturation plummetted to only 78%."  It's a wonder I haven't walked to school naked [which would have been EXTREMELY unfortunate for anyone, even the blind, and very embarassing for my children] or fallen asleep while doing the laundry [which is another reason I don't do the laundry because that could be dangerous to fall asleep in a pile of dirty unmentionables].   Of course, two nights ago, I awoke several times, in sheer panic, that I was going to die in the middle of night - on the upside I caught up on 4 years of Friends episodes so all was OK.  If I've been looking like a straight Zombie then you know why [and if you say its because of my make up I may punch you].

This is my last year in my 30s.....I will be 39 next Saturday.  Thirty nine....three nine....39.  That is 3 times the age of many of the kids that I teach...and older than some of their parents.....*)&@!#$%  In this last year there are some things I would like to do...starting with SLEEP.  Once I get the sleep thing under control then I have some things I have to do.  Please, please, please keep me in your prayers.  I've really got to get my health in check :)

We've been keeping it real [whatever that is] here at Casa de la Short [Spanglish!!]. The Gabester had a visit with the doctor on Tuesday for his Kindergarten check up and that was so much fun.  Seriously, the boy is crazy.  He asked for help reading the eye chart and told the nurse she hurt him last time she checked his height....all before we ever entered the room.  He then let out a barrage of comments, questions, crazy thoughts that left zero doubts about our great parenting skills.  Poor kid had to get 4 shots and didn't even cry....of course, he's drug his poor left leg around for two days like he was shot by a deer rifle.  He's healthy, he's funny [as crap...that's what Cooper would say], and he's all mine :)

I had a crazy thought [I know that really just made some of you go, "Really?"] last night after a conversation with little bagger boy [Bag the groceries, Pa-Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum]  at the grocery store.  I was checking out and he asked me, "How did you get all of the groceries in that cart?"  I wanted to reply, "Well I strategically measured each individual package and can's  volume to make sure that the dimensions of the cart were exactly equal to the parking space on the last row on the eastern side of the parking lot...after I backed my car into the space with 5 inches on either side to the white line." What I really said was, "I just threw them in there...even the bread." [ I guess my intense lack of any lengthy explanation was not apparent enough] because then he said, "How many people are you feeding with all these groceries?"  Does this kid get paid to be nosy or bag my groceries? Both is the correct answer.  "There are 6 of us at my house....last time I looked anyway. Two of them eat for two, which  makes two extra people, which puts us up to 8.  Two eat like goats, which puts us up to 8 people and two goats.  Plus, I cook dinner every night."  Yep...you guessed it....he asked me, "What kind of job do you have that you can feed 6 people?"  This kid is on a roll.  "Well, we only let two of them eat at a time. This week it's the middle ones turn. Of course, the hubs and I eat every night" was what I was thinking.  "We are both teachers."  And yes, as if his knowing my shopping habits, kids names, weight at birth, and shoe size was not enough he asks, "What do you teach?"  [I should have answered stoichiometry or sex education to transgendered youth or underwater basket weaving.]  "I teach 8th grade science." [At this point I thought to myself that he was either stalling me because I was under arrest or I won like a bazillion dollars from Ingle's.]  "What does your husband teach?"  [I began to put my hands behind my back to make it easier for the cops to put the cuffs on my wrists becuase that millionth customer confetti was not falling..] "World history and he coaches." His response?  I don't know...I stopped listening.  Is eating really worth that kind of interrogation?  

I promise not to wait so long to post next time.  As always, sleepyheaded and all, it's great to be one of 6 Shorites :)