Boots the Bat and Other Strange Tales

I met a vampire today.  Swear.  It nearly attacked me. [It was not named Edward nor did it sparkle.] Emma and I stopped by home to change clothes, grab snacks and the camera, before heading off to Coop's game at North Lincoln.  As I opened the door, I hear this weirdo noise, almost like a cricket.  [Except crickets aren't large with fangs.] I looked over to see Emma's rainboot moving [and not because she was putting it on] and then I realized there was something underneath it.  [Hmmm...could it be a frog or a snake or one of those large Madagascar hissing cockroaches? Frog and snake likely...hissing cockroach was quickly marked off the list]  Upon closer inspection [if you call about 5 feet away close] I noticed fangs [HUGE fangs] then it became apparent that this was not one of your more friendly varmits.  I yelled at Emma to run in the house [I am pretty sure I knocked her down trying to get myself away from the blood sucking monster] and I slammed the door.  Just like in those terrible awesome 80s horror flicks, I opened the door to meet the Monster on Fulton and I quickly found I had royally pi**ed the bat off.  The screeching actuallly broke the glass on my screen door and caused neighborhood dogs to run in circles. [Not really but it sounded good.]  So what do I do?  [I knew what I was NOT going to do and that was try to make nice with Mr. Bat.  Yes, it was a he because only a male would scream when agitated and lost.]  What every wife should do - I called my favorite coach and pled my case: It was an enormous bat with blood dripping from it's fangs and the carcass of a large animal laying near it.  It said it wanted to suck my blood and drink all my diet Sundrop.  You should rush home right away and get it - oh save me!!!  The reply of my favorite coach?  [Only decipherable AFTER he laughed hysterically] "Just pick up the boot and shoo it off!  Or call Billy the Exterminator! [Irritating laughter from all the testosterone junkies (aka coaches) in the background.]  Emma and I had other plans to escape the confines of our house which included using the front door, running like the wind, and getting the heck outta dodge all while the bat's steady screech pierced our ears.  Apparently a little gentle persuasion [and some serious water pressure from a garden hose] will also send Mr. Bat into a little tantrum [see there is another male characteristic] but also remove him from my carport.  Emma will never wear those boots again.....

I wish I could say this was my only strange encounter with an animal but there have been plenty.  One time, on my way to school, I saw several [OK, only three] horses in our neighborhood. If we lived, say, on a horse farm this would not have been weird but we didn't have neighbors with horses [nor did we live on a farm].  One horse was in the neighbor's carport while another was running back and forth across the road.  I panicked [I know - shocker] and decided I should "save the day" so I did what everyone does when they see horses in the carport - I dialed 911:
Dispatcher: 911.  What is your emergency?
Me: Well, it's not really an emergency but I don't know what to do.
Dispatcher: Go ahead. [And at this point, seriously thinking I was just another in a long line of people that calls the comm center for the time, the weather, and directions.]
Me: There are horses in my neighbor's carport?
Dispatcher: Did you say horses?
Me [Now terribly embarassed to have called 911 for horses]: Ummm...yes.  There are several that are running all over our neighborhood.  I am afriad one of them will get hurt. [Or break in, eat some carrots and steal my good china]. 
Dispatcher: OK.  I will call Animal Control.  By the way, is this the Mrs. Short from Boiling Springs Elementary?
Me [now thinking that I've just turned myself in for some crime I was framed for in the past]:  Yes it is.
Dispatcher: Well this is Mr. Smith* [We'll change the names to protect the innocent] and my son is in your class.
Me [thinking, "I am such an idiot"]: Well what a coincidence. [He will probably be at school, in about an hour, demanding that his child be removed from my classroom and that I be institutionalized.]  Thanks for your help.  Sorry to bother you.
Dispatcher: No problem! [You only wasted 10 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.]  Have a nice day.
Needless to say, Craig has NEVER let me live that one down.  And that parent?  We are still friends and he takes his jabs at me every now and then....and I deserve it.

Yet another freaky animal story to tell....this one about a sheep dog on my front porch.  I arrived home [in my candy apple red minivan] to find a HUGE [legitimately huge] mangy dog thing on my front porch.  I make no bones about the fact that I am not a lover of the canine [except for Maggie and Rylee Turner] but I even know that if a dog ain't waggin' its tail that can spell trouble. Mr. Mangy Mutt was not wagging a tail and he was staring straight at us.  My first thoughts?[I couldn't call Craig because we didn't have a cell phone.]  CUJO!!  Remember when the woman tried to get out of the car and he attacked that yellow Pinto and left his slimy, slobbery yuck all over the windows?  Well I remembered it and we were not going to end up as a Stephen King novel.  I took matters into my own hands: I ran in the house and slammed the door...expect for one thing [well, two really] -Molly and Cooper were in the car still. [Note to self: Make sure the plan includes everyone next time.]  So I ran back out and grabbed the little ones [they were little then] and ran back inside.  Plan B? [As if there ever was a plan A.]  I grabbed one of Craig's shoes [because they are big and heavy and I sure wasn't about to waste my shoes on this dog] and chunked it out the door at this beast.  What did he do?  Yawned, looked at me in disgust, and moseyed off to someone else's front porch.  [I am sure he was Cujo's cousin or at least he'd met him  at a golf match somewhere....]

No need to go anywhere else for entertainment - just ask me about all the stupid things I've done - and you'll be enteretained aplenty.  As always, life as a Short is just batty :)