Life as Mom

I am not sure that ANYONE understands how a mother feels.  

I often share a great deal about my children [sometimes to their chagrin] because they are my number one priority.  I have a career but the children that God has entrusted me with, that live under my roof, are my first and most important job.

I hover. 
I am nosey.
I am involved in their lives.

I won't apologize for being "that mom" at all. 

But I wasn't prepared for them to be grown up and have their own lives. [You know...those lives that involve them following their own dreams and hearts....making their own grown up decisions.]

We are a close bunch here at Casa de Shortie.  My favorite coach and I have tried to be the kinds of parents that have always encouraged open dialogue about the things that our kids are facing or may face.  Sometimes those are extremely uncomfortable but absolutely necessary conversations. [I do have some decorum and respect for the privacy of my children so I'll keep the details to myself.] What we have discovered is that they will talk to us and ask our opinion about decisions or issues. 

What I have figured out over the last several months is that I have to learn to step back and let them [the oldest two] live their lives without always telling them what I think. [That was even hard to type.] 

I don't know what it is like to be a dad. [I've never personally been one.]  I know that my dad is just awesome and that my husband is an amazing father.  

But I can speak to...

....Life as mom...

Moms have the distinct pleasure of feeling a life as it grows.  There is something amazing about a tiny baby growing inside of your body.  God is just awesome like that!   The pains of childbirth  seem so trivial compared to the precious piece of Heaven here on Earth that is an infant. 

Moms watch these tiny bundles, that were so protected inside the womb, grow into little humans with personalities and dreams.  It is most extremely difficult to watch a piece of your heart, outside of your body.  I cannot describe, in words, this incredibly insane and passionate love I have for the those four babies.  

Sometimes, when I really think about the fact that God chose me to be their mother it is hard to catch my breath.  

Being a mom is one of the most difficult yet rewarding jobs a woman could ever have in her life.  

Moms watch these tiny people grown into older people. [And many times, at least at my house, these older people were hard to like...loved them dearly but holy cow....they should've come with a disclaimer at birth, attached to their big toe, that says something like, "Crazy from 12 - 15 years of age so medicate yourself Mom".]  Hearts are broken by friends and sports and members of the opposite gender.  [I've spent many a night with tears in my own eyes, praying that I wouldn't punch the heart breakers right square in the teeth.  I won't lie....I've wanted to many times.] 

Yet, it is during these times that God has spoken the loudest to me and to my children.  I will never, ever forget praying over my son at 2am after he admitted he contemplated taking his own life [I can't even type the word...] or being wide awake at 4:30am, urged by God, telling me to pray about Molly's future.  

I haven't faced the struggles that many parents face every day....sickness, drug addiction, the death of a child....but our lives are far from perfection.  As parents, Short and I don't always get it correct.  We make mistakes [lots] and they make mistakes [lots].  We try to learn from them, all of us...sometimes we do and sometimes not so much. And that is OK.  Parents are not given a set of instructions or charts that help us pinpoint the exact cause, effect, and solution.   
Through these valleys [that sometimes seemed like huge mountains] God gave me, Mom, the strength, the courage, the sagacity [BOOM! Vocabulary? Check!] to help my children find their way back. 

God has used them help me find my way back. 

Ultimately, through all of this, I've been mom. 

I hope that I've done that job God intended for me to do as I've raised my children.  My prayer has always been that I raise my children to love Jesus, each other, and to chase their dreams.

• I have one that just finished a year of college and is moving to the next state and a new college.  
• I have another that is already talking about going to college in two years then on to seminary.
• I have one that will be with me at the middle school in a year and is the most compassionate soul I've ever met.
• I have one that is two years from leaving elementary school and has a personality like his daddy.

I am staring down the barrel of a whole mess of life changes for my oldest two.
I am struggling.  

How do I let go? [I am being totally serious.]

I am so used to holding on tightly that it is hard to loosen that grip to boyfriends and girlfriends and college and moving and what God has planned for their lives. I want to protect them from the harshness of life but if I don't allow them to experience these things then I'm being selfish. And I am admitting that I think my plan is far better than what God has in store for them. [And that is just completely arrogant of me.] 

So as I face the future as mom, watching them spread their wings and fly, I am reminded of Molly's favorite verse:

God can do immeasureably more than we could ever hope for or imagine.

Ephesians 3:20 

He can. 

He will.

He has already.

Learning to loosen that grip...one Shortie at a time.