Hiding that Crazy

Have you ever had one of those moments that you just look in the mirror and think, "Wow.  I am not sophisticated at all.  Not in the least.  Like there is a major red neck staring right back at me." 

No? Must just be me.

I've struggled lately [a lot] with feeling like I give off the "ignorant-and-should-be-on-people-of-Wal-Mart-site" vibe. [That is a real condition.]

I am very sarcastic [you are welcome] but the older I get I feel like more and more that my sarcasm isn't appreciated.  I have a weird sense of humor [seriously, I would watch Dumb and Dumber or Anchorman any day over Gone with the Wind] and maybe its time to be more a little more reserved.  My kids are at the age where there is always someone at my house.  I wouldn't want to send the wrong impression.  [Of course, it may be too late for that one seeing as how Molly is almost 20 and Cooper is nearing 17.  Oh well.  It may not be too late for the little ones.  *fingers and toes crossed*]

This has become such a struggle for me that sometimes I just want to avoid social situations altogether [which might make some of you happy, happy, happy]. Or I'd rather just write what I'm thinking.  I am so much better at writing than talking. [Now some of you are scratching that noggin' and saying, "Hmmmm....she must be a charmer when she talks because her writing is less than pleasant."]  

It isn't so much that proverbial "what comes up comes out" kind of thing but more not knowing how to not be awkward.  Sometimes I truly believe I'm just meant to play the background...be the wallflower...the wind beneath the wings kind of stuff. I just know that I cringe at my own voice so I can only imagine what someone else might be thinking about me.  [You know how we are here in the South..."Bless her heart.  You know she is a good cook.  She's got something going for her."] 

I am just not really sure if I just sound...you know...CRAZY.  I have had moments where I've kicked myself [literally] after saying something or joining a conversation [or adding my unnecessary two cents]. 

My thoughts have gone like this:

• "Did I just remove any doubt that I am an idiot?"
• "Yes. I am a country bumpkin."
• "What?  You don't understand what I just said?  Me either."

I always want to make a good first impression. 

Now I'm just hoping to scrape off that other first impression and try again with some people.  [Is it too late to go into the witness protection program and become someone with some couth and a tiny bit of "I've-Got-My-Act-Together"?]