A Holy Passion

I am reading Jen Hatmaker's book, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity. [Please click on the links and visit her website. She is awesome!]

Wow.

I ordered it back a few months ago.  It's actually a revised and expanded version that she wrote back in 2012.  I began reading it as soon as I got it but I wasn't ready to be "all in".  I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity to worry about really focusing on what the words were saying to me.

Forty hit me like a ton of bricks. [No doubt I created most, if not all of them, and allowed them to be hurled at me].  High blood pressure, weight gain, depression, increased anxiety, recent problems with blood sugar, a stress test and visit to the cardiologist and constant issues with my stomach - and this crap [yes, I used the word crap] all started the day I turned 40 - swear. It's like my body said, "Hey you idiot!" 

To make it worse, it felt like [and still feels like sometimes] so many other people women were and are growing old gracefully.  

I feel like old hit me, knocked me down, then stood up, doing the Cam Newton Superman over the top of me. #Truth

I have some things I want to focus on this year. But I can't do those things until I put some time into myself:

• Eating healthier.
• Getting in shape.
• Sleeping.
• Organizing everything - my time, my priorities, my house, my schedule.

My life is complicated but by my own doing. [You now it's bad when I tell you what I'm about to you.] I even asked Craig to help me get organized. [I call him the budget Nazi.  And the schedule Nazi.  I make fun of his need to always know what we are doing.  I fly by the seat of my pants and it drives him crazy.] #CurrentlyEatingCrow

I can't do any of those things without doing this:
Giving it to God.

My sweet, Godly husband bought me a prayer journal.  He writes in his as he studies God's word.  I mean, seriously girls, what a lucky woman I am!!  [Just a little soapbox moment here:  If you aren't married then you should be looking for a man that wants to read his Bible more than he wants to read you...if you get my drift. Find a man that makes his walk with Christ a priority.] He reads and studies his Bible, DAILY, because he knows that God is calling him to be holy and that he cannot do that without knowing God. 

It's not that through all of this "stuff" that I haven't prayed or studied my Bible. I have but with half a heart most of the time.  [*Insert ashamed face here*] In fact, with most things the last two years, I've been half hearted....

• Running and exercising.
• Getting healthy and getting sleep. 
• Being organized.
• Teaching. [I will be honest in saying that I am disillusioned and I'm not sure what to do about this dilemma.  I will ask for prayers about this one.]
• Stepping up to help others. [This one bothers me the most.]

I've spent a lot of my break just re-focusing.  [If you've seen me out in public this has meant that I haven't really worried too much about wearing make-up or fixing my hair or really dressing like I didn't just crawl out of bed.  Everybody re-energizes in their own way. Judge me. I don't care.]  We are cleaning out our house and de-cluttering [still have a ways to go...Craig married a hoarder]. I've laughed - a lot. I've stayed up late and watched movies. [And discovered that Blue Bloods is on Netflix.  I want to be a Reagan.] Gabe and I spent most of yesterday in our pajamas, taking turns giving each other back massages. Emma and I played America Girl dolls. We've played Life. [Which is a very fun game by the way.  Emma had so many kids she had to get an extra car.  Good stuff.]

Back to the book...

In the first chapter, Jen is talking about her angst with what she was doing to spread the gospel.  She states that in the midst of the noise of her children in the car that she prayed a simple one line prayer: "God, raise up in me a holy passion." (page 11).  Just before the prayer she also wrote, "And I strongly advise against this prayer unless you are quite ready for God to take you seriously and wreck your life."  

She continues on and shares how God took her seriously and led her John 21, where Peter declares his love for Jesus three times after His resurrection.  She says it was like God removed Peter's name and inserted her name.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” 

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.   

John 21:15-17

She says that she's read these words many times but never in the way she did after asking God to work in her life.  

Blown away.  God's timing is perfect.  

Raise up in me a holy passion.

I truly believe know that God's mercy is perfect. His grace is abundant. And enough.  

I also know that James 2:26 says, "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." 

I feel these tugs [and have for a while] from God. Jen Hatmaker's words, spoken through her by God, have resonated with me and pushed me to run towards these tugs.  I am overwhelmed by His presence.  

For the first time, in two years, I am excited about getting in shape and eating better and getting organized because God's plan is so much better than mine. I'm no longer just looking for a way out but looking for a way in...to feed His sheep.

Overwhelmed.