Assumptions

Got a good swift kick in the gut earlier tonight.

Still laying here.  
Kind of stunned.  
Kind of humored.

I've worked so hard to let petty go. 

Today it punched me squarely in the jaw. And it stung.

And it all started [or ended] with Facebook.  [And adults. Holy cow.]

I've combed back through my Facebook AND Twitter posts because the statement was made that I have made references to this particular person in my posts.

Huh?  I'll be the first to tell you that I don't do things like that at all.  I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed and I can say too much [usually to the chagrin of my poor children] BUT I dang sure know that I'm not talking about people on social media like a 14 year old.  Absolutely zero truth to that statement.    

• Have I disagreed with folks?  Sure have.  Am I embarassed or ashamed about that?  Not in the least.  
• Have I shared my despair and issues that I struggle with because I am a real person?  Absolutely. 
• Do I like to tell silly stories about my family [that mean way more to me than to any of you] via social media?  Yes!!!! [Those are my favorites.]
• Have I pulled against a certain local high school on a recent Friday night [or several recent Friday nights]?  Yes. And I will probably continue in the future. It's not Team Jesus Football. 
• Did I make fun of country music at some point, either on Facebook, Twitter, or here?  Why yes I did. 
• Have I shared my faith and my heart and what God was [and is] doing in my life?  These are the things I've tried to do the most. 

[Let's flip the tables here...]

• Have I ever read a status on Facebook or seen a tweet that made me want to punch a chicken?  Yes.
• Have I ever disagreed with something that was posted on social media?  Yes.
• Is it necessary for me to like or approve or look at everything that comes across my news feed and twitter log?  Not only is it unnecessary...who cares?

But have I EVER been just blatantly 8th grade girl mean? No. I can say that in complete confidence.

Yet, somehow, I get sucked into the dark, dreary, unpleasant underworld of

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS.

And then, like a 7th grade this-mullet-was-in-style picture [or is that just me?] hits you years later, I get hit in the face with all the unpleasantries of a bad episode of Toddlers and Tiaras.  

All ASSUMED to have been inflicted, with all the malicious intent I could muster,

to show my non-support by..............

 [*insert serious, gut-wrenching music*]

removing my name from a tagged post on Facebook.

My reaction exactly. 

I don't peg myself as particularly naïve about things but this one really made me question my sanity. 

I received a text message and Craig a phone call.

  

All of a sudden, instead of something that was just meant to keep me from getting 1003 unwanted notifications, I became this person who just wants to see the world burn.

I really, honestly and truly, just wanted the notifications to stop.  That's it. I promise. 

Newsflash!!!
I ain't perfect and I've done a lot of stupid things in my life.  I'm weird and quirky when it comes to sharing my feelings verbally [that is why I write because the words come very easily].  I haven't always made the right decisions. I can be difficult and obstinate [ask Craig and my dad] when I think I'm correct.  I'm not overly social in a lot of situations, even when I know people.

[These are things that keep me up at night but it is so worth it. The silence and the time of reflection and meditation often brings me clarity and peace when I am anxious and worried.  God's just kind of awesome like that.]

After it was all said and done, I had a long talk with Craig.  We discussed moving forward and forgiveness; working harder and being more in tune. [Remember that prayer...God raise up in me a holy passion.  He is calling on Craig and I to listen in the little things.] He reminded me of something that I said to him earlier in the summer: You can't tell God you trust Him and that you've let it go, then hang on to it.  That shows you don't really trust Him enough to give it up.  

[Shameless plug for that man of mine but if it hadn't been for him, diffusing the situation, then I'm not sure what might have happened on my end of the equation. He was gracious, kind, and open to suggestions on moving forward.]

I have a lot to work on in my own life without trying to intentionally tear down someone else. 

James 3:2: We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

A Holy Passion

I am reading Jen Hatmaker's book, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity. [Please click on the links and visit her website. She is awesome!]

Wow.

I ordered it back a few months ago.  It's actually a revised and expanded version that she wrote back in 2012.  I began reading it as soon as I got it but I wasn't ready to be "all in".  I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity to worry about really focusing on what the words were saying to me.

Forty hit me like a ton of bricks. [No doubt I created most, if not all of them, and allowed them to be hurled at me].  High blood pressure, weight gain, depression, increased anxiety, recent problems with blood sugar, a stress test and visit to the cardiologist and constant issues with my stomach - and this crap [yes, I used the word crap] all started the day I turned 40 - swear. It's like my body said, "Hey you idiot!" 

To make it worse, it felt like [and still feels like sometimes] so many other people women were and are growing old gracefully.  

I feel like old hit me, knocked me down, then stood up, doing the Cam Newton Superman over the top of me. #Truth

I have some things I want to focus on this year. But I can't do those things until I put some time into myself:

• Eating healthier.
• Getting in shape.
• Sleeping.
• Organizing everything - my time, my priorities, my house, my schedule.

My life is complicated but by my own doing. [You now it's bad when I tell you what I'm about to you.] I even asked Craig to help me get organized. [I call him the budget Nazi.  And the schedule Nazi.  I make fun of his need to always know what we are doing.  I fly by the seat of my pants and it drives him crazy.] #CurrentlyEatingCrow

I can't do any of those things without doing this:
Giving it to God.

My sweet, Godly husband bought me a prayer journal.  He writes in his as he studies God's word.  I mean, seriously girls, what a lucky woman I am!!  [Just a little soapbox moment here:  If you aren't married then you should be looking for a man that wants to read his Bible more than he wants to read you...if you get my drift. Find a man that makes his walk with Christ a priority.] He reads and studies his Bible, DAILY, because he knows that God is calling him to be holy and that he cannot do that without knowing God. 

It's not that through all of this "stuff" that I haven't prayed or studied my Bible. I have but with half a heart most of the time.  [*Insert ashamed face here*] In fact, with most things the last two years, I've been half hearted....

• Running and exercising.
• Getting healthy and getting sleep. 
• Being organized.
• Teaching. [I will be honest in saying that I am disillusioned and I'm not sure what to do about this dilemma.  I will ask for prayers about this one.]
• Stepping up to help others. [This one bothers me the most.]

I've spent a lot of my break just re-focusing.  [If you've seen me out in public this has meant that I haven't really worried too much about wearing make-up or fixing my hair or really dressing like I didn't just crawl out of bed.  Everybody re-energizes in their own way. Judge me. I don't care.]  We are cleaning out our house and de-cluttering [still have a ways to go...Craig married a hoarder]. I've laughed - a lot. I've stayed up late and watched movies. [And discovered that Blue Bloods is on Netflix.  I want to be a Reagan.] Gabe and I spent most of yesterday in our pajamas, taking turns giving each other back massages. Emma and I played America Girl dolls. We've played Life. [Which is a very fun game by the way.  Emma had so many kids she had to get an extra car.  Good stuff.]

Back to the book...

In the first chapter, Jen is talking about her angst with what she was doing to spread the gospel.  She states that in the midst of the noise of her children in the car that she prayed a simple one line prayer: "God, raise up in me a holy passion." (page 11).  Just before the prayer she also wrote, "And I strongly advise against this prayer unless you are quite ready for God to take you seriously and wreck your life."  

She continues on and shares how God took her seriously and led her John 21, where Peter declares his love for Jesus three times after His resurrection.  She says it was like God removed Peter's name and inserted her name.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” 

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.   

John 21:15-17

She says that she's read these words many times but never in the way she did after asking God to work in her life.  

Blown away.  God's timing is perfect.  

Raise up in me a holy passion.

I truly believe know that God's mercy is perfect. His grace is abundant. And enough.  

I also know that James 2:26 says, "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." 

I feel these tugs [and have for a while] from God. Jen Hatmaker's words, spoken through her by God, have resonated with me and pushed me to run towards these tugs.  I am overwhelmed by His presence.  

For the first time, in two years, I am excited about getting in shape and eating better and getting organized because God's plan is so much better than mine. I'm no longer just looking for a way out but looking for a way in...to feed His sheep.

Overwhelmed.