As you know, [or maybe don't know because this is your first time on Step Away] my oldest plays fastpitch softball. If there is one major thing I've learned about travel softball is that there is a TON of drama. Sometimes, there are those "Daddy Ball" teams where only the girls that have loud, obnoxious, [and usuallly non-softball knowledgeable] get time on the field. Then there are those "team hoppers" that jump from team to team when their little #1 isn't the team's #1. Then there are those teams where no one gets along and they fold because of egos [generally the parents' egos]. As usual, the parents can make it miserable during tournaments. I have seen parents come to the dugout and yell at other girls. I have seen parents take their stuff [like slinging a cooler full of water all over the place] and their girl and go home - in the middle of games. I even, at a rec game one time, saw two parents almost get in a fight. Really? Are we trying to teach sportsmanship and teamwork or my dad can beat up your dad?
Am I always happy with decisions made about my daughter's playing time or seeing her get raked over the coals when she makes a mistake? [When it's my favorite coach involved then I secretly straighten him out away from the public eye :)] No I am not always happy but I have tried to learn to keep it in perspective and realize that 99.9% of the time that getting fussed at in a constructive way is healthy for her and keeps her working to get harder. She is a pleaser and she is coachable. She will listen, even if she thinks the coach is wrong, and she will work on whatever you ask her to work on. Is she a perfect softball player? [Yes, if you are asking me.] No one is a perfect softball player. But I know her heart and what the game means to her. I know the times she's given up friends and parties and church activities to play ball. I know the time she has invested.
We had our hand forced and had to move teams last summer. [Very, very long story but I can assure you it would make you as mad as it made me.] We ended up on a local team with a collegiate coach with a good organization. Things were going well and Molly was happy. Fast forward to this summer. We paid a significant amount of money, along with most of the other players, to play 7 tournaments over the summer. Well I'm no mathematician but 7 somehow turned into 5, which turned into 4, and we only played in 3. Yet, come fall, more money was requested. Hmmmm...wait just a minute....if we paid you x amount of dollars, along with the other girls, then your sum was $xxxx.xx and we only actually played in 3 tournaments then where is the rest of the money? The response: Equipment [didn't know we had team equipment]; sanction fees [only paid once to each of three divisions we pay and is around $35/fee] ; insurance [again, a one time fee of $175 for the team] ; coaches salaries [Excuse me? Say that again....]; assistant coaches salaries; and finally [was that not enough?] food, drink, and travel expenses for the coaches. [At this point, honestly, I had to pick my own jaw up off the desk where I was sitting.] My next question to the "person in charge" was "So how much are we paying these coaches?" Hmmmm....well that grand total came to nearly $3300 [yes, that is thousands] for the season.
OK. Let me get this straight: We paid a person who has a full time job to coach our daughter's travel team yet this coach wasn't even there for two tournaments and most of the summer practices AND we also paid expenses such as food and travel for tournaments? [I am sure, at this point, my blood pressure was pretty high.] Did we take these people [who incidentally do not have ANY children to care for since one just got married and the other two were college students] to raise? Seriously, we don't even go, AS A FAMILY, to the tournaments because at $5 to $10 dollars/person, plus food [we take our own] , and drinks [take our own] times 6 people is ALOT of money. Not to say that Molly isn't worth it but we just cannot afford to spend that kind of money two or three weekends a month and now we are expected to pay for the coaches to eat and drink? To top it all off, we've never been given an expense report or itemized summary of the organization's money [aka MY money] and when we asked for it then we find out that we paid a large amount of money to people who gave us nothing in return. Again, I don't profess to be the sharpest tool in the shed but if my hard earned money is paying you to coach then you should probably be there to coach.
To top all of this off, [as if we really needed to add fuel to the fire] we find out that several nasty, snide, and just generally humiliating comments were made to our daughter by this well paid "coach". Again, we don't jump in and question playing time. [I am married to a coach who does not entertain those conversations with parents on his team.] We [Craig and I] may discuss things we don't like when we are alone but we don't voice these concerns to the coach. We have tried to encourage all of our children to speak up if they feel like there is an issue with a coach. And, just from being around sports so much, we also know that MANY times there is more to the story than just what our children are telling us. But, when we continued to hear how this well-paid-but-never-there coach talked very negatively about other players on the team they are paid to coach [do you sense my bitterness over this issue] and then almost sought to humiliate players in front of the team then we started to question if we were in the right place and doing the correct thing for our daughter.
Incidentally, communication began to break down - Molly wasn't getting information from the coach but was told that the coach's phone indicated Molly did receive the messages. [Checked the phone and the text history online - are we all three liars?] Practice was moved to another location and the girl Molly rides with got lost. Instead of being understanding of two high school students misunderstanding directions they were told, in front of the team, that "she expected them to be late because they are not dedicated and always late anyway. And by the way, if you think you'll ever play in field, Molly, then you can forget it because you are not going to push the current second baseman." Yeah...Molly's never, EVER been late to practice or a tournament while on this team - NEVER. And the second base comment? Where did that come from? Funny thing is that Molly was ASKED to move to this 18U team from a 16U team by this coach [the well paid one , who saw her playing 2nd base on the other team. We really cannot understand where this sudden animosity and sarcasm came from but with the money issues the picture became more and more clear to us.
Finally, Molly broke the ice, and requested to move to a new team she's played with the last two weekends. She said that for the first time in a long time that she actually enjoyed playing and didn't feel like she was going to throw up everytime she was at bat or in the field. She said that she didn't want to go back to the other team and that she had no respect for the coach. Little by little, in a long conversation, she shared things with us that broke our hearts. She didn't want us to know but she secretly hated playing this summer. It is obvious, looking back, that those puzzle pieces were staring us in the face if we'd only bothered to put them together. We decided, as a family, that a move would be best for us.
Now don't get me wrong [not that I've ever been wrong but....] we are not perfect parents and she isn't a perfect softball player. There is room for improvement - always - and room for us to be more supportive of the coaches. But when intimidation and humiliation are used in place of coaching and teaching then it's time to move on. I even woke up, early this morning, worrying about what said to Molly when we weren't around to hear. I feel bad that she, my tender hearted and pleasing child, was made to feel so humiliated. I work with kids every day and they lose repsect for you very fast if they think you don't care about them. This coach doesn't care about these girls - she only cares about the paycheck [just an honest observation]. Craig was told that we "were the only parents that questioned where the money was going." His reply? "Shame on the others for not asking more questions."
On to bigger and better things :)
I am addicted to www.iamsecond.com. Please go and watch the videos [I would HIGHLY recommend Josh Hamilton's story] and read about how the organization works. God is just so amazing that I cannot put into words the emotions I have at the moment. I am second.
